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Monday, May 19, 2008

We Love to Fetish and It Shows

Delta’s Risqué In-Flight Safety Videos Are Bound for Depravity

Good morning and welcome aboard Delta #555. Your safety is our number one goal, so, on behalf of all of us here at Delta, I’d like to take a few minutes of your time—and my blouse off—to address some important safety material before the flight.

First, we beg, plead, and groan that you fasten your big, hard buckle by inserting the tip—slowly, now—then the whole shaft into the quivering, awaiting lips of the case. Please keep this sexy belt pulled around your waist during taxi, takeoff, landing, or whenever the seatbelt sign is on. For your convenience, we’ve determined that if placed adroitly, the belt can be used to rub against that huge throbbing bulge in your pants, or for autoerotic asphyxiation, if that’s your thing. I know it’s mine …

In the case of an emergency, we encourage you to locate the four exit doors on the aircraft, two on each side of my size-D naturals. If the aisles are marked with lighting and smoke should fill the cabin, who knows? Maybe it’s a bukkake party kick-off, or I’ve got a special, kinky surprise for you. Or there’s a fire. If it’s a fire, keep in mind the nearest exit door may be behind you; does it make you nervous to talk about anal sex? Not me.

In the event of a premature evacuation, those seated in an exit row must give a sensuous tug to the door’s erect red latch and … Oooh, you’re not really supposed to do this with the red latch, but it feels so dirty—and Mama likes dirty. Oh and that’s not pee, ladies and gentlemen—that’s female ejaculate! If you stroke the red latch with enough feral abandon, the emergency exit door will open and the door slide will inflate like your big trouser balloon that’s about to buuuurst.

If you are unable to perform any of these functions, please speak with a flight attendant now. While you’re doing that, I’ll be over here with my friend Joanna, rubbing oil all over our bodies and doing girl-on-girl. There, everything better? If you’re trying to locate a flight attendant and have a feeling she’s hiding, she’s probably also doing the lesbian thing, or you grabbed her naughty little hindquarters. Goood.

In the extremely unlikely event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device. Or a spanking device. Notice how I’m floating on this seat cushion? That’s not all I’m doing … I’m having a bowel movement! Aw, is this too freaky for you, baby? O.K., O.K. Let’s slow down. That’s it. Relaxxx.

Is there a little tension in the air here? Is it because I’m tied to a wall, being slapped in the face with a severed gorilla penis by Emilio Estevez? Just close your eyes and this awkwardness should pass. However, should there be a rapid loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Immediately place the elastic strap over your face and pull tightly. Are you putting it around your testicles instead? That’s so hot and steamy, although not exactly the correct procedure. Be sure you affix your own mask before assisting others and after your mask is secured, try to breathe normally. I know, I know … I’m so horny I can barely talk. So instead, I’m going to go over here and barf on a dwarf. We hope you’ve found this preflight safety video helpful and informative. Thank you for flying with Delta this morning.

Enjoy the flight.

Tyler Stoddard Smith's works of fiction, non-fiction and poetry have been featured or are upcoming in The Best American Fantasy Writing, Pindeldyboz, The Bullfight Review, Box Car Poetry Review, Identity Theory, Yankee Pot Roast, Word Riot, Twixt, Monkeybicycle and McSweeney's, among others. For more info, visit He also edits a political satire Web site,