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Monday, June 9, 2008

Monster Island Welcomes You!

Mike Richardson-Bryan

Digestive Park, by Sebastian Alappat

Monster Island is the vacation paradise you’ve been looking for! Located in the sunny East China Sea, Monster Island combines the unspoiled natural beauty of a secluded tropical island with the luxury and elegance of a world-class destination resort.

The adventure begins at the Monster Island Welcome Center. The moment you step off the hydrofoil, you’ll be greeted like an old friend, presented with a colorful garland of native flowers, and encouraged to take part in the Appeasement Ritual, an island tradition that goes back thousands of years. An auspicious beginning!

From there, it’s on to Monster Island Lodge. The Lodge boasts everything a world traveler like you has come to expect from a premier vacation getaway, including a five-star restaurant, a full-service spa, and a first-class burn ward. Yes, the Lodge has it all. We defy you to say otherwise!

But the real star of Monster Island is the island itself. Dive into the crystal-clear waters of Monster Bay! Take to our majestic rivers by canoe, kayak, or raft! Roam our lush tropical forests through fifty miles of well tended trails! And for the truly adventurous, there are daily excursions to Monster Island’s own active volcano, Kata-Oujou-yama (“Mountain of Death and Then More Death”). Or just relax on one of our pristine beaches and soak up the sun. It’s your choice!

And then there’s our best-kept secret: Monster Island’s unparalleled biodiversity. Millions of years of isolation have allowed the indigenous flora and fauna to develop in unique and unexpected ways that at times defy easy explanation, and this rich pageant of nature is yours to enjoy from a respectful distance. Indeed, everywhere you go on Monster Island, you’ll be amazed by exotic and even outlandish species that can’t be seen anywhere else on earth. We guarantee it!

There’s no shortage of local color, either. Every night, be our guest at a lavish feast with live entertainment courtesy of native Monster Islanders. They say the island rhythms dance their way into your heart and never leave, and we think they’re right. You’ll certainly never forget the sight of native Monster Islanders frantically performing the ancient Mollification Dance as if their lives and the lives of their children depended on it. Go ahead and try!

The journey of a lifetime awaits you on Monster Island. Start the journey today!

Mike Richardson-Bryan used to be a lawyer, but he's all better now. No, really. His work has also appeared on McSweeney's Internet Tendency, in the pages of Cracked, Stitches, and The Wittenburg Door, and recently appeared in The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2007. He lives in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada with one wife and two dogs.