Thursday, June 12, 2008
A Proclamation from Three-Click-Pause-Two-Click, Fifth of Many
Our lowliest sanitation caste possess intellects far surpassing those of your most brilliant scientist caste. And your paltry attempts at hive defense make us click our mandibles in contempt. Do we not routinely abduct you from your tiny hives, conduct experiments on your various orifices, and then return you without a trace of our passing? Are we not the Many, conquerors of 23.86% of this galaxy, which you mammals refer to as the “Milky Way” with the hubris so typical of vertebrates?
Yet even we, the Many, descended from the First, must concede that you outdo us in one critical area: Easy and convenient cleanliness And no innovation in your species’ pitifully short history can match the uncanny abilities of your Swiffer implements.
How it maddens our overlord caste, makes us twitch our antennae in furious agitation, forces us to release searing clouds of pain pheromones! Despite our overwhelming technological prowess and supremacy, we cannot sufficiently replicate the Swiffer, Swiffer Sweeper, Swiffer SweeperVac, WetJet, or Swiffer Duster. Not even the simple CarpetFlick! We cannot trap and lock dirt with such minimal effort! We cannot begin to achieve such brightly shining surfaces! We cannot produce molecules to match the clean, fresh scent! ARRGGH! The pain cloud, my sisters! It burns!
And why, despite ready access to Swiffer implements, do so many of your solitary young males live in such filth? Why do they not heed the advice of their female progenitors? Such paradoxes only add to our frustration!
How our hives would sparkle with such access! How our nurseries would erupt with storms of pleasure chemicals and deafening clicks of joy, as our caretaker caste quickly “swiff” up the common areas, effortlessly dispose of the contaminated wipes in nearby waste chutes, and return to lavish additional attention upon our eggs and larvae!
We must amass examples of the various Swiffer products so that we too will have “The Five Signs of a Great Clean”: Trap and Toss—Smell—Feel—Shine—See! We will stop at nothing to acquire your Swiffer technology! No! The pain cloud returns! Make the pain subside, my sisters! MAKE THE PAIN SUBSIDE!