Friday, July 11, 2008

The Sex in the City girls are back! And they’re bringing their fabulous wardrobes with them. But instead of waiting in line to grab Carrie’s latest, why not branch out into some of summer cinema’s other offerings for great trendspotting opportunities? Here’s what we think you should be watching (and emulating) when Mother Nature turns up the heat.

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
When Hollywood talks about glamour, they about Ron Perlman. No, not Ron Perelman, the billionaire owner of Revlon—the hot one! Whether he’s playing Vincent in the sooooo romantic Beauty and the Beast series from the 80s, the weird guy from Alien: Resurrection, or the weird guy from City of Lost Children he brings heat to the screen—and this time it’s infernal heat, like the ultimate bad boy, Satan.

Red means go! If you’re talking about skin, that is. Here’s how to make your friends jealous of your Hellboy coloring: Take the day off work, rub cooking oil all over your body and lay out in the sun for eight hours. The pain will be worth it when you turn heads on the street with your blistered, crimson skin.

More than skin deep:
Another hot aspect of Hellboy’s style is his giant right hand. To pull this off, you need some lymphedema to swell your arm up. True fashionistas won’t hesitate to round up a few parasitic filarial worms to get the ball rolling.

The Children of Huang Shi
This movie is all about the youth-inspired style of a cool bunch of orphans that have to make their way across China before the party ends and the Japanese invade. Their retro, circa-1937 gear makes you wonder why you don’t see more pre-WWII–inspired lines on the runway. The kids’ look just screams “Muted!” The best part about wearing understated tones and lines is versatility. In the movie, they make the same outfits work on top of the chilly Liu Pan Shan mountains and in the Mongolian desert. I hope they brought moisturizer!

How to get the Orphans’ look:
The characters in the movie may have had to walk thousands of miles, but you’ll only need to walk to the closest hip boutique and say, “I’ll take anything you have in tan burlap.” Also, look for Chow Yun Fat in a sweet prototype of the classic red Chinese PJ’s.

Maybe we just have Olympic fever, but we’re throwing another Asian-inspired look onto the “must get” pile. Mongol explores the early life of Genghis Khan, the tastemaker of the steppe. This is one superhero movie with style. When you see him model the breezy summer tunics he made popular, you might wonder if he needed to use force to conquer Asia and Eastern Europe at all. We surrender! To your fashion sense! And if you thought silk shirts were just a good idea because their tight weave wraps around arrows as they penetrate the body, allowing you to pull them out without infection, you’ve never seen the way they drape on curves.

Cruelty-free Genghis-wear:
Those giant, furry hats are such a defining characteristic of the Mongolian hordes, it’s hard to imagine putting together an outfit without one, but no one wants to accused of animal cruelty. Luckily, there are plenty of faux (French for “cheaper”!) versions of them, so you won’t have to worry about being splattered with blood, unless you’re going all out and ransacking a village, that is!

The Incredible Hulk
I know what you’re going to say: “I already have a pair of tattered purple shorts from last year, when you called them Johnny Depp’s pirate pants.” Well, if you’d kept your mouth shut and let me finish, you would see that that’s not at all where I’m going with this. It’s not the shorts, or the tousled hair that make the Hulk hot. No, this summer, rage is all the rage. Turn heads at a party by smashing a coffee table and throwing a lamp through the window. It might be a bit conceptual, but this is one fashion trend that you can’t miss. Look for those in the know to be flying off the handle at the smallest provocation, but remember, you can’t conjure up that amount of focused anger out of nowhere. If you know you are going somewhere where you need to look good, try to swallow your anger for a couple of days before hand, so you’ll be good and ready to snap. Next time you see a hottie physically attacking someone or something, give your fellow fashionista a knowing wink.

Hulk Accessorize!
Rage looks great. But so does that red studded belt of yours. That doesn’t mean you leave the house wearing only that! For a more nuanced look, punctuate your rage with a sprinkling of insecurity, shame, or paranoia. And don’t forget—rage and alcohol go together like jeans and a white T-shirt.

Get shopping!
These are just a few suggestions that you must follow to be fashionable this summer, but it doesn’t have to end there. Don’t be afraid to walk into a clothing store with a picture of a fictional character and say, “I want their life.”

Federico Garduño is a comedian and writer who lives in Manhattan. For proof that he can use a Web template, please see

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