Monday, July 14, 2008
  1. Employ as many bicycle-related metaphors as possible (e.g., training wheels, getting back on after falling off); after a month, stick exclusively to tandem bicycle references (e.g. it takes two to engage in empty sex)

  2. Remind her that since marrying, there have been plenty of new sexual positions created and that she needed to be “brought up to speed”

  3. Suggest that she’s going to start dating again sometime, and if she’s going to be used and discarded it might as well be with a guy she knows

  4. Assuage any guilt by stating that making love is a celebration of life, whether in a honeymoon suite or the cloak room at a funeral home

  5. Reiterate that her late husband would have wanted it this way; if required, tell her that you’ve been to a séance and communicated with him from the other side, whereupon he cleared her of any wrong-doing but suggested that she’s “let the backyard go”

  6. Tell her that you’ve fucked all kinds of widows and “they’ve always turned out all right … so far as I’ve heard”

  7. Make light of the encounter, referring to it as a distraction like playing with a yo-yo; say that you didn’t realize her late husband was a nationally recognized yo-yo champ as you gather her up from the floor

  8. Remind her that the sex wasn’t that good; say that you were thinking you’d left the oven on so you weren’t “really in the game”

  9. Refer her to a grief counseling service, then enter the nearest confessional and ask the priest to wash clean your foul, rancid soul; don’t take his “See you in Hell” response personally

  10. Connect her with the barely sexual guy from H.R. who only enters relationships to “fix” women; consult your newly emptied schedule and peruse the obituaries for any familiar names

Jesse McLean lives and works in Toronto, where he is currently writing the pilot for a Fox sitcom entitled Shakespeare & Marlowe: The Original Odd Couple. Mr. McLean is accepting casting suggestions and dick jokes in iambic pentameter.

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