Thursday, July 3, 2008
Hire criminals to kidnap your girlfriend. Arrange for her to be taken to a seedy motel room and tied to a chair. Beforehand, tell the criminals to call you and demand a meeting at the motel. To make it more realistic and frightening for your girlfriend, have the kidnappers say: “Give us what we want! And no cops or we’ll kill her!” When you get there, feign a brave attempt at a rescue, but fail. (See if one of the bad guys will make a shallow cut on your arm so that you start bleeding a little.) Have the criminals hold a gun to your girlfriend’s head and threaten to blow her brains out unless you tell them what they want to hear. Start crying and mutter, “Fine, fine.” Then turn to your girlfriend and ask, “Should I tell them what they want to hear?” She should nod frantically, but won’t be able to talk because of the duct tape over her mouth. Drop to one knee and say, “How about I tell you what you want to hear!” Then look lovingly into your girlfriend’s eyes and ask, “Will you marry me?”

Rip the tape off of her mouth in a quick motion and await the affirmative response.

* * *

Never talk to your girlfriend. From the moment you meet her and throughout the entire courtship, pretend that you are unable to speak. To communicate, write things down on a notepad. After a couple of years, when you’re sure she is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, write on your notepad, “I believe that if the right words needed to be spoken, I could speak them.” Watch her eyes fill, for she wishes that what you wrote were true, that you could actually speak. Using your finger, gently wipe away the lone teardrop that has begun to make its way down her face. Then throw the notepad across the room and yell, “Will you marry me?”

Look who’s speechless now!

* * *

Secretly answer an ad in the classifieds looking for gay porn actors. Try to hide this sordid part of your life for as long as possible — for years, if possible. Things will spiral out of control as it will get harder and harder to keep your double life a secret. Because of your strange new friends, your tendency to take phone calls in the other room, and your recently grown mustache, your girlfriend will eventually suspect something. The private investigator she hired will tip her off to an upcoming taping of one of your movies. When she shows up on the set in a confused rage, explain to her that you are only doing this for the extra money so that you can give her the life she deserves. Be sure to say that you purposely chose to have sex with other men because it’s not really cheating. Because of the scene she interrupted, you are already on your knees, so you might as well ask her to marry you.

* * *

Frequently complain to your girlfriend about the voices you hear coming from the plants of the Allium genus—most often garlic, but sometimes leeks and scallions. Try not to laugh as she buys a copy of the DSM-IV and diagnoses you with schizophrenia (and, disconcertingly, some unrelated mental illnesses based on other behavior of yours). When the time is right, sneak out of bed, careful not to wake her. Insert an extremely tiny speaker into a bulb of garlic. Place the garlic on your girlfriend’s pillow and hide in another room. Using a microphone that connects via Bluetooth to the speaker inside the garlic (this setup should be available at any spy shop), disguise your voice and start talking to your girlfriend about mundane things. Mention the weather, or how woefully underappreciated you feel by Italians even though they use you so much in their cooking. When she finally awakens to find the garlic talking to her, have the bulb pop the big question.

* * *

Successfully run for president of the United States. Declare war on a foreign nation. (Make sure it’s one the U.S. can beat easily.) After the U.S. seemingly makes short work of its opponent, schedule a press conference on an aircraft carrier. Land on the carrier in a fighter jet. Exit the aircraft (you should be wearing a flight suit). Behind you will be a massive banner that reads “Will You Marry Me?” Your marriage will be rocky, contentious, and will probably fail. But you’ll always have that moment—captured by photographers.

Frank Ferri is a copywriter who thinks he’s funny. Visit him at

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