Thursday, July 31, 2008

Men, you might want to put away your Petri dishes. Sexy superbug Muris Hepatozoon isn’t looking to rapidly evolve to multicellular status anytime soon.

“Right now, I’ve really been enjoying my motility,” admits the unicellular stunner, in an interview with Teen Vogue that comes out later this week. She adds: “I’m still young. I’m not ready to be sessile.”

Ms. Hepatozoon’s love life has come under scrutiny the past few months. Recently, speculation erupted regarding stars with whom she may have practiced horizontal gene transfer. Candidates have included Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz, rocker John Mayer, actor Matthew McConaughey, and a strain of gut flora.

The prominent protist says she doesn’t mind being put under the microscope. “It’s fun. I’m trying to keep it loose, have a good time. I’m not looking to get attached. I don’t want that much ultrastructure in my life.” Adding: “Mostly, I just want to focus on my career. I have a lot of projects lined up: a covers album, a Lifetime movie, a plague. I’m so incredibly busy. I don’t have the time to think about anything else. That includes cellular differentiation.”

Ms. Heptazoon is currently on the road promoting her current album, No Intermediate Host Required. When she’s not touring, she spends her days happily shacked up inside a mouse’s liver.

Rachel Andelman is a lady. Her writing has or will appear in Elimae, Night Train Magazine, Pequin, and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Check out her blog here.

The Four Pop Stars With a nod and a wink to Monty Python’s “Four Yorkshiremen” sketch.
How To
So Now You're a Therapist You need scarves--lots and lots of brightly colored scarves. And you need to learn to tie them around your neck in jaunty knots.

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