Friday, August 22, 2008

Dearest Mommy and Daddy,

Because I love you, I am extraordinarily concerned about certain enhanced photos you saw while dabbling in the popular networking site, Facebook. (Katie told me.) First, I’d just like to point out that people who are unfamiliar with contemporary digital editing programs are ill-equipped to handle the vast fantasy world that is social networking and are best advised to stay away. Digitally manipulated photographs can be obvious or, all too often, nuanced and require an educated and discerning eye.

But, Mom, I Was Photoshopped

Photoshop is not of your generation, nor would I expect it to be of your liking. In Photoshop, with the click of a mouse you can make people or entire villages disappear. You know I would never do something like that, Mom, but I’ve heard of digital manipulators who do. (I swear I have only used the program once—to add Scruffy to a family photo taken after she passed.) Some youngsters who’ve gained access to the program are not as well-meaning as you and I. And when Photoshop falls into the wrong hands, young girls are often the victims.

Take a good look at that “photo” you accessed on Facebook. Do you see, Mom, the way the shadow on that man’s scrotum isn’t the same as the shadow on the bag of cocaine? And, Dad, if my hand was really buried between that … person’s butt cheeks, don’t you think my wrists would look at least a little shiny??? There is open whiskey everywhere, but no bottle caps. There are people everywhere, but no pants. There are twenty-dollar bills, but no ones! Books, but no Bible! Mom, Dad, don’t you see the inconsistencies? Can’t you see what they’ve done!? This is just another prank in a rash of digitally manipulated photos!

I am sorry it had to come to your naked daughter sliding tangerines up a fat man’s ass with someone else’s scrotum on her head. Unfortunately, it sometimes takes a tragedy, albeit a digitally created one, to open our eyes to the dangers that surround us. Mommy and Daddy, I don’t want to scare you, but I read that Photoshop will soon release its CS4 edition. For your own good, please, stay off the internets.

And please, don’t take away my trust fund.

Your Loving Daughter
Emily Winter is a Brooklyn writer who enjoys comedy, boys, and shopping. You can find her funny men’s fashion blog at

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