Monday, August 11, 2008

The Dominatrix Decathlon

After months of speculation, and ongoing international protest, the Chinese Olympic Commissioner made official confirmation last week that the Dominatrix Decathlon will not be part of the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing. “It’s a sad day in the S&M community,” snapped Mistress Chandra of the Iron Shackles. “If I can lure them into a windowless room, I’ll ball-gag, hogtie, and paddle the entire Olympic Committee senseless.” As the controversy spins out of control and as the denizens of pain and submission stalk world capitals in search of submissive scapegoats, let’s pause and pay homage to the games known as Dominatrix Decathlon, spotlighting each of the ten events and calling out highlights from past competitions.

Day One:

100-Liter Golden Shower
Since the 1984 Los Angeles games, where the field was widened to allow each dominatrix up to twelve submissives, points have generally been awarded to the Mistress who most quickly and thoroughly douses her unworthy slaves with urine pumped fresh from the spectator’s restrooms. But artistic merit points for improvisational touches, such as Mistress Cordoba’s use of coordinated gargling in the ’92 Barcelona games, are not unheard of.

The Long Hump
A painstakingly technical event, the Long Hump features the dominatrix whipping, paddling, or otherwise cajoling her sniveling submissive into humping a blowup doll the greatest distance along a traditional long-jump sandpit. Bottoms will be bruised and knees scraped, but seeing that perfect combination of pelvic thrust and inflatable bounce is a voyeuristic thrill not to be missed.

The Dildo Put
Not for the squeamish, the Dildo Put is a simple matter of a regulation “Screaming Mombo” one-meter dildo and a prone and lubed submissive. After the infamous “double-clutch” controversy during the ’88 Seoul games, in which half a dozen submissives were hospitalized with a variety of punctured organs, measures have been taken to prevent further injury. But as Mistress Natasha admitted in a candid interview with Strict Punishment, “Those measures were largely bullshit cooked up to pacify those that needed pacification.”

Shy Hump
Nothing beats the thrill of rushing down from the stands to participate in a gangbang. And the Shy Hump, in which the dominatrix earns points by running the longest train on a raw, whimpering, yet ultimately satisfied submissive, has long been a crowd favorite. “It’s simply a matter of trust,” said Mistress Cleopatra, individual event gold medalist in the ’04 Athens games. “Nothing builds trust better than empathetic communication. So I look my little fuck slut in the eye, grab his hair in a big knot in my fist, and coo my intentions,” she explained. “I whisper, you take it hard and fast in the stadium, or you take double in the dungeon.”

400 Cubic Meter Encasement
The traditional finale to the first days event, the 400 Cubic Meter Encasement, rewards the dominatrix for her creativity in encasing a submissive in 400 square meters of nylon, latex, saran wrap, or just plain old rubber. Since Mistress Valencia of the Muffled Screams dazzled crowds in the ’96 Atlanta games with her jaw dropping performance this event has morphed into a dazzling visual display. “Mistress Valencia was the first to utilize a combination of latex and Mylar,” explained Mistress Xaquelina. “When she inflated her sub with helium and paraded him around the stadium on those ropes even I creamed my jeans.” While her submissive died of asphyxiation while on parade, Mistress Valencia was cleared of the manslaughter charge. The wrongful death suit was later tossed.

Day Two:

The Hog Tie
The “tie” events have long been dominated by Japanese dominatrices. “We have the history, the traditions, kinbaku, shibari, hojojutsu, it’s just something we grow up with, while for the rest of them it’s a foreign language,” explained Mistress Kato in an interview for Tight Knots magazine. “Enough about the Japanese,” fumed Mistress Tequila. “I grew up in the country and there’s no better preparation for hogtying an oiled-up submissive, than roping baby calves. I’ll put my lariat up against a karada tie any day of the week,” she boasted. Unfortunately for fans the Kato–Tequila rivalry will have to wait for the Yokohama Invitational next summer.

110-Meter Turds
Scat play is more of an insider’s favorite, its popularity hindered by a 100% television blackout of the event since its inception at the seminal ’64 Tokyo games. “The difficulty with the 110-Meter Turds,” confessed Mistress Tequila, “is the preparation. My submissives will only eat my turds. They know the difference. They grovel and beg and obey, but they’re not idiots. I have to stash away months’ worth of fecal matter to compete. This puts an unfortunate dent in my day-to-day scat play.” The ’04 Athens games saw the Ukrainian team upset this event with their innovative use of rehydration technology for freeze-dried turds. “Those turds were doped,” fumed Mistress Sapphire, “fortified with a synthetic protein and the Ukrainian submissives were inhumanly starved ahead of the event.”

Cock ’n’ Ball Pull
“Taffy Pull,” “Pretzel Cock,” “Blueberry Pancake,” storied headlines of competitions past. With a long history of disputed outcomes, favoritism by easily swayed judges, and out-of-control emotions that result in either new artistic horizons or torn scrotums, the Cock ’n’ Ball Pull is one of the most highly anticipated events of the Dominatrix Decathlon. Says Mistress Sapphire, “I’m an artist. Just as Bernini’s Rape of Proserpina, depicts the seizing of flesh in marble, I make balloon bouquets out of pliable man-flesh.”

Suspension Tie
Yet another even dominated by the Japanese, the Suspension Tie has been referred to as a loving combination of the grace of aerial acrobatics and the brutality of 19th-century whale hunting. Mistress Tanaka set the bar high at the ’64 Tokyo games suspending a whimpering, bawling submissive with fourteen mako shark hooks and three ropes. Mistress Caroline dazzled the world with her suspension of a dazed—and allegedly drugged—submissive with one thousand worm hooks and a karada-esque matrix of fishing line in the 2000 Sydney games. “It’s not that submissives are chumps,” explained Madam Cleopatra, “It’s that they need the subconscious reinforcement that they are in fact chum.”

1500-Meter Equine Race
“Nothing gets me hot like a bridle and riding crop,” admits Mistress Cassandra. “And nothing indicates extreme devotion of a submissive more than to be saddled, mounted, horsewhipped, and worked with spurs for 1500 meters.” A favorite with the networks, comparable only to the Super Bowl in terms of international audience, this event is a rousing conclusion to the Dominatrix Decathlon. Notable for its long history of surprise treachery the 1500-Meter Equine Race is a guaranteed theatre of blood. “I got spurs, studded wristbands, and a whip,” explains Madam Tequila, “someone pulls ahead of me, what do you think’s gonna happen?”

Mike Damascus writes fiction in San Francisco.

What I'm Listening To This classic rock anthem is still going strong 30+ years after its release, a fact made overly clear every mid- to late-afternoon when it's played by the A.O.R. station blaring from the boom box belonging to the roofing crew that's been (intermittently) working atop my house for the past 11 days.
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