Tuesday, October 28, 2008

  1. Don’t hit her. Take it from me, that makes her super estrangey.

  2. Don’t curse her out at Chuck E. Cheese.

  3. If she turns you down, last I heard her mother still lives in Tulsa and is a huge whore.

  4. All women like jumbo cans of Bumble Bee tuna (they use it for making sandwiches).

  5. Don’t be a racist. I think she’s like ¼ black or something.

  6. If you borrow money from her, pay her back in cash, not venison.

  7. If you borrow venison from her, make sure its venison, not her Hyundai Sonata with my sleeping granddaughter in the back seat, whom I didn’t even notice till I was halfway to Missoula … that’s like 800 miles, man!

  8. When you fistfight a cop in her presence … y’know what? Maybe just don’t fistfight any cops in her presence.

Bonus Rule: Always soften the blow of a Christmas ruined with a birthday remembered.

Lucas Held is a New York City based writer, comedian, and improviser. He’s terrific.

Setlist: Mime Hero The hot new game from Activision.
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