Take this 12-question quiz and find out!
1. How often do you go to Church?
[ ] Once a year.
[ ] Three times a lady.
[ ] All the time; Church’s new Jalapeño Blades are so much better than White Castle’s Intestinal Leakers!
2. Were you raised in a religious household?
[ ] Does football count as a religion?
[ ] I often fantasize about Jesus going down on me.
[ ] Hell yeah, we raised da roof with our faith! Oooh! Oooh!
3. How often do you inspect your own feces?
[ ] Hang on, let me put this down for a second …
[ ] What the hell are those?! I don’t remember eating bloodberries!
[ ] Only when it smells like a good cookout.
4. How often do you drink?
[ ] Once a week.
[ ] More than once a week.
[ ] I’;m ddonnt evkler drhiamk.
5. How do you feel about same-sex marriages?
[ ] For ’em.
[ ] Against ’em.
[ ] It all feels the same if you close your eyes.
[ ] What’s the big deal?! I’m married and I’ve been having the same sex for years! [Rimshot!] HEY-OH!
6. Do you believe in Hell?
[ ] Everyone else seems to, and I’m not really a “boat-rocker.”
[ ] My old lady told me that taking this quiz would make me a better lover.
[ ] Yes, Hell is very, very real. I like paste.
7. Who da Man?
[ ] Satan.
[ ] Jesus.
[ ] LeBron James.
8. Miley Cyrus is …
[ ] Pretty.
[ ] Fucking.
[ ] Hot.
[ ] I am a borderline pedophile.
9. Men …
[ ] Absolutely not. Oh, wait, what was the question?
[ ] Are the superior white meat.
[ ] Seem to be doing pretty alright for ourselves these days, eh?
10. Women …
[ ] Are the boon of my existence. Oh, sorry, I mean the “bane” of my existence …
[ ] Can’t live with ’em, can’t shoot ’em … unless you have a silencer. [Rimshot!] HEY-OH!
[ ] Smell like vanilla and taste like sushi.
[ ] I want my mommy.
11. How many times have you seen the Garfield movie?
[ ] Zero.
[ ] Oh God … I am going to Hell, aren’t I?
12. When I told my boss to “suck my left nut” I was:
[ ] So on point, bro, nice one! NICE! Um … so you got that rent check?
[ ] Unveiling my own trompe l’oeil as I vigorously shook my crotch in front of his face, presenting the illusion that I actually had three testicles.
[ ] Yelling at my paycheck behind the soda machine on the 20th floor.
Now, tally up your points and see if you’re going to Hell!
0–10 points: You’re going to Hell!
10–26 points: You’re going to Hell!
67–92 points: … Wait, there was a point system? Screw this.
-923847 points: [Rimshot!] HEY-OH!