Monday, November 3, 2008

Gay Bears

Commercial 1


INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN – AFTERNOON

(BILLY TAYLOR, 6, arrives home from school.)

BILLY:    Mom, guess what I learned in school today? I learned that a prince can marry another prince!

MOM:    (Horrified) What?

(She grabs from BILLY an illustrated children’s book depicting two men in love.)

BILLY:    That means I get to marry a prince someday!

MOM:    (To the heavens) Damn you, Proposition 8! Why? Why must you force gay marriage on my child?

BILLY:    I learned it in school, Mommy. One prince finds another prince and they fall in love. And then they get married! And then one prince plays with the other’s rectum to bring him pleasure. Teacher says sometimes they’ll use large rubber dildos and/or anal beads to heighten the sexual experience. What are poppers, Mommy?

MOM:    (Bent over, holding ribs in agonizing pain) Make it stop, please! Jesus, why??

BILLY:    Can you cut the backside of my jeans out? Where do we keep the sequins?

(MOM lies crumpled in the corner of the kitchen. BILLY fishes a nipple clamp made from macaroni and glue out of his bag and struggles to apply it.)

BILLY:    Can I get a gym membership?

V/O:    REMEMBER TO VOTE YES ON 8! SAVE OUR CHILDREN!



Commercial 2 <


INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

(JANET and SALLY, two thirty-something women relax on the sofa, sipping ice-blended mochas.)

JANET:    Well you can understand how upset I’d be. I mean, my own brother.

SALLY:    You must have been so shocked. Getting married … before you?

JANET:    I know, right? Who does that mother[beep] think he is?

SALLY:    You poor dear.

JANET:    I’m telling you, that [beep] has tried to upstage me my whole life. Him and his freakin’ “financially secure” boyfriend with a “college degree.” Whatever. Thinks he’s so much better than me.

SALLY:    You know if you vote YES on Proposition 8 he’ll have to stay single. Just like you.

JANET:    Don’t I know it. Welcome to hell, Roger, party of one.

(JANET and SALLY clink coffee mugs.)

JANET:    Hey, did your husband’s coworker ever say anything about our date last week? I never heard back from him and I left, like, eighteen messages.

SALLY:    Oh … Yeah. He said you came on a little strong. And also something about there being a topical cream for that kind of problem now that you should really look into.

JANET:    [beep]ing [beep].

V/O:    ON NOVEMBER 4th, SHARE THE MISERY. VOTE YES ON 8.



Commercial 3


EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY

(Two men drive down Highway 101 in a convertible Audi.)

EVAN:    So how are things between you and Ken?

JASON:    I thought everything was going well, but now he’s been going on and on about marriage and wedding rings.

EVAN:    Oy. Sounds like he really wants you to pop the question.

JASON:    Totally. And I’m like, what’s wrong with what we’ve got going now? I mean, we’re happy, right? Why screw that up?

EVAN:    Wow, if there were only a way you couldn’t get legally married.

JASON:    Well, you know about Proposition 8, which would amend the Constitution to prevent us from getting married.

EVAN:    Seriously? Score!

(They high-five.)

JASON:    Man, are you lucky that Proposition 8 exists. Sounds like you’re about to dodge a bullet.

EVAN:    Hey, want to go have anal sex?

JASON:    I heard that, girlfriend!

V/O:    VOTE YES ON 8. KEEP THE PARTY GOING!

Gay Bears
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