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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, November 60, 2008

Jesus Loves You

Jesus Christ, coddling a lamb.
He’s just not in love with you.

Don’t get Him wrong. It’s not that the son of our heavenly Father doesn’t love you. He totally does. It’s just that He doesn’t feel that special something that happens between a man and a woman who are truly meant to spend their lives together. He will cherish the time the two of you had together forever. He just thinks maybe you should see other people. It’s not you; it’s Him.

Maybe the problem is that you came to Him on the rebound. You were coming out of that bad relationship with Muhammad, feeling hurt, vulnerable and alone. You could never forgive him for being merely a prophet and not truly the son of God—and he knew it. Then along came the Prince of Peace and you were instantly smitten with everything: the gimmick-laden miracles, the promise of eternal salvation, the beard. He warned you not to fall in love; He told you from the very beginning that He wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship, but you didn’t listen.

And now it’s time to move on. He knows it isn’t easy, but the phone calls simply must stop. The police have been informed, and any future attempts to contact Him through communion, prayer, or coming within five hundred (500) feet of a church will be considered a violation of your restraining order and will result in your arrest and prosecution. He deeply regrets that things didn’t work out.

Desmond Jones Jr., Esq.

P.S. At your earliest convenience, please return to Him the following CDs:

Weezer – Self-titled (“The Blue Album”)
Ryan Adams – Cold Roses
Bob Marley – Live!
Miles Davis – Bitches Brew
Oasis – Be Here Now