Dear Björk,
Happy Björkday! I’m an inventor of new things to eat and I’ve concocted a tasty TV dinner inspired by you. I call it Björk ’n’ Beans. It’s made of 100% natural beef fat (plus two scoops of beans!) and flavored with 100% artificial flavorings. It tastes just like mustard loaf and it looks almost exactly like you. Also, Björk ’n’ Beans is perfect for eaters on the go, because it comes with its own twisty straw, leaving your hands free so you can eat while driving a car or sliding down a pole or strangling your boss. (Who doesn’t get hungry sliding down poles?)
Björk ’n’ Beans is a big improvement from my last celebrity-inspired frozen dinner, Spamela Anderson, because you needed a spork to eat that properly, making eating-while-driving/sliding/strangling virtually impossible. (New idea: Björk Spörks?)
I’m enclosing a prototype. Please eat it quickly, because I don’t know how long it takes Björk ’n’ Beans to go bad. Probably only a matter of hours.
Happy Björkday!
Best,
Scott Baio
(TV’s “Chachi”)
Björk, Icelandic songbird, b. November 21, 1965
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