Wednesday, November 12, 2008

How to Tie a Windsor Knot

Being prepared for not only the interview but also everything from the journey to the building and meeting people inside is important for success.

  1. Be health aware—take proper nutrition on the day of interview including these herbal supplements.

    1. Regularly taking fish or emu oil will give you a healthy dose of omega fatty acids and give your coat a desirable shine.
    2. B12 is a vitamin that will give you more energy during your interview and, unlike methamphetamine, will not cause you to jitter during the meeting.
    3. Take garlic before you leave. Not regular cloves; take the capsules that will not leave unfortunate breath. This is a safety precaution. It’s to ward off the life-draining receptionist. They say it’s a myth—the power of garlic—that’s only if we are discussing vampires; receptionists are fiercer. When the receptionist uses her eyes as fangs and draws them into your being from another plane of existence—this is when the garlic will be your ward. While she sits there behind the counter of some monstrous growth from a desk she will try and irrevocably succeed in any will to life. This is the very reason to protect yourself through the guarding properties of garlic.
    4. Lithium acts as a stabilizer to hide your psychotic episodes. Taking this before your interview will leave the interviewer with a stronger sense that you might actually live in the same reality as they do.

  2. Wear your best suit. Don’t bother going if you are not looking your best. Inside your suit you should be concealing the following items:

    1. Cellphone. In the case you are late for the interview.
    2. Flask. The employer may want to toast your new position.
    3. Straw. Security may test your credentials and there are eleven ways to kill a man with a straw—thirteen if it’s a bendy straw.

  3. Always carry your portfolio to the interview. The only things you need in your portfolio are poetry and salt. Find the most obscene poetry you can. Include Ginsberg’s Howl, Burroughs’s Naked Lunch, and Cohen’s Beautiful Losers. Use sea salt if possible.

Entering the building is the most important step and the easiest to get wrong. If your entrance does not proceed flawlessly, leave at once. There is an important order to follow when entering the building. Your appearance in the building represents an opportunity for you to display your strengths and highlight their weakness. This can be accomplished in a simple series of events. There are three characters you must identify when you get inside:

  1. Find the scrawniest person in the room and punch him or her—in the face—as hard as you can. If he or she does not fall down leave immediately; you have failed.

  2. Find the toughest looking person in the room. Shake his or her hand, look him or her straight in the eyes, and say—with your eyes—“Next time it’s you.”

  3. Find the most attractive woman and ignore her. Completely snub her—she does not exist.

Some people consider the interview a forum for you to sell yourself to the employer—this is wrong. The interview is a contest. It’s you against the interviewer, the company, and accepted societal concepts.

The interview starts with a handshake. While shaking the interviewer’s hand, look him or her directly in the eyes and say—with your eyes—“You’re next.” If their handshake is weak, step on their foot. If he or she is behind a desk at the time, kick it—hard enough that they can hear the wood split. You will teach them to clinch their hand into a sturdy shake—one way or another.

It is important to show interest during the interview. You need to show interest in the field, the company, the position, the employees, the interviewer, the interviewer’s family, friends, and worst fears.

To show interest, ask appropriate questions such as:

— How does this position fit in with the company?
— What do you enjoy best about the company?
— What do you hate about the company?
— Does the company fulfill your childhood ambitions?
— Is this where you saw yourself heading ten years ago?
— Do you feel proud when you go home at night?
— Does this job leave you wanting more?
— Does the opposite sex respect your job title?
— Do people respect you?
— Do they laugh at you?
— Do you feel like your work makes a difference in the world?
— What have you accomplished?
— Have you met your goals in life?
— Are you on your way to meet your life goals?
— Do you have any regrets?
— Did you have a school sweetheart?
— Is your spouse your true love?
— Do her/his eyes still sparkle when they see you?
— How often do you visit to your family?
— When was the last time you said “I love you” to your partner or family?
— Do they say it to you?

The goal to a successful interview is to leave the interviewer weeping. At your departure they should have tears welling in their eyes; they should quickly shut their office afterwards. Audible sobbing is a sure sign of an accomplished interview.

On leaving the building it is your duty to leave a lasting impression. Be memorable. When you witness the most attractive woman once again walk up to her while looking her in the eyes and say—with your eyes—“It’s your turn.” Then kiss her more passionately than anyone else. Think about all your past loves while you kiss her—use tongue. Without a word, leave the building.

You have just had your first proper job interview.

Jason McKellar moved north for the Klondike Gold Rush 100 years too late. All that was left were programmer jobs. He was the editor of an underground newspaper and makes a delicious cheesecake.

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