Wednesday, December 17, 2008

testicles1.jpg

Formation: Both descended
What he’s trying to say: You are a warm and calm presence in my life.


Formation: Left descended, right elevated
What he’s trying to say: I am exhausted after a hard day’s work. I would like you to pour me a glass of milk. Thank you.


Formation: Right descended, left elevated
What he’s trying to say: I do not like it when you put on that slightly racist accent. Please don’t do that. I would like us to hug now.


Formation: Both elevated
What he’s trying to say: Please put your hands on some part of my body that I feel comfortable with you touching and then quietly reassure me that it is a nice part of my body and that you are impressed with it. Thanks.


Formation: Tangled (right over left)
What he’s trying to say: That man who was playing saxophone in the shopping cener looked a bit like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, don’t you think? I know it wasn’t Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but do you think there is any way that somehow it actually was Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?


Formation: Tangled (left over right)
What he’s trying to say: I am sorry that I suggested to the girl behind us in line that we buy our spaghetti sauces together. That was a lot of hassle for 25% off the recommended retail price.


Formation: Gathered at left hand side of sack
What he’s trying to say: Do you remember when everyone was terrified about SARS? You don’t hear about SARS very much any more, do you? I would like us to cuddle now. Thank you.


Formation: Gathered at right-hand side of sack
What he’s trying to say: If you beat my fastest lap on Ghost Valley 1 on Super Mario Kart then you should expect that I might not talk to you in quite the same way until I get that record back. Sorry.


Formation: Left oversized, right normal
What he’s trying to say: I have noticed that quite a lot of children graze their chins. You see them with these little kind of bandage beards. But not many adults graze their chins. Why do you think that is?


Formation: Left oversized, right shrunken
What he’s trying to say: I wish we wore our slippers more often. Or less often. I have anxieties about my indecisiveness. Kiss my left nipple, please.


Formation: Right oversized, left normal
What he’s trying to say: Today I wore deodorant only on one armpit, for reference.


Formation: Left normal-sized, right shrunken
What he’s trying to say: The next time you send me an email please use lots of rich text. I like it a lot when you use rich text in emails. Thank you. I would like us to Eskimo kiss now.


Formation: Right normal-sized, left shrunken
What he’s trying to say: I would like to lift you above my head and spin you round on my one finger like I was a Harlem Globetrotter. I would like to be a Harlem Globetrotter. I would like us to spoon now. Thanks.

Crispin Best is not even American. In his country, ‘fanny’ means ‘angina pectoris.’

Listicles
One-line Listicles A Racy Magazine For Bulls Lactating Mamas        -- MATTHEW SIMMONS   A Questionable Use of the Word 'Perpetual' In Contemporary Literature Perpetually inflamed ass cheeks        -- BARRY GRAHAM   The Tagline Staples Should Use Instead Of "That...
Fiction
Synecdoche1, New York I went to Schenectady, New York, once. This may not be true. I did not lose my virginity in Schenectady. My father was there, in Schenectady. He was not "there" at the moment I lost my virginity, but I did use the condom he gave me when I went away for college.
Fiction
The <Meta>morphosis Frank Kaufman awoke one morning after a night of uneasy dreams to discover he had 513 comments on his latest blog.

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