Monday, December 22, 2008

Paired with Rejoinders for Women Who Don’t Suffer Boors Lightly

Baby, you should take a walk on Wall Street to boost the Dow, ’cause you’re sure putting a spike in my pants. Frankly, I’d rather see rampant inflation in the price of oil than in your pathetic growth indicator.

* * *

Excuse me, are you an auto industry executive? You look like you could use a stiff injection of liquidity. My girlfriends and I were wondering: Do you work for the Federal Reserve? ’Cause as soon as you came over to our table everyone’s interest plummeted.

* * *

Are you afraid of getting laid off? There’s nothing to worry about if you take it one thing at a time. Sorry if your little man’s unemployed, but I’ve got no openings for him.

* * *

Hey, you and I are just like the economy and Congress: You’re cool and I’m ready to give you a massive stimulus package. Actually, you and I are like the subprime mortgage holders and Congress: You’re hopeless and desperate, and I say if you want a hand you’re just going to have to do it yourself.

* * *

Do I remind you of your retirement fund? I’m always going down …Look, you want to do something to prevent a depression? Leave me alone.
When he finds time between his job, shooting his mouth off to anyone who will pretend to listen, language stickling, and yelling at Republicans on television as though they can actually hear him, David Jaggard writes music, and sometimes satire that has appeared on McSweeney’s, The Big Jewel and his own humor site, Quorum of One.

Whopper Sluts Miracle! Nicolae, elder of village, bring to visitors Rumanian traditional delicacy of olives with language of cow as the gesture of peace to the strangers.
Your President-Elect Bambu Obama
Left, exotic, elitist President-Elect Barry Obama, in a straw fedora w/ cigarette, circa 1980, courtesy The New York Post. Right, the exotic, elitist mascot for Bambú rolling papers, since 1764.

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