Wednesday, January 28, 2009


oday we look at This is a free trial page featuring four video clips in Windows Media format and no still images. The clips are short-ish, varying in duration from 32 seconds to 48 seconds per clip. The download speeds are unremarkable but adequate, and we did not experience any lag or stuttering. All four clips, though not sequential, appear to be from the same session, feature one man and one woman (likely to the delight of conservative viewers), and the full film ostensibly is available for purchase.

The set is thoughtfully appointed with tasteful if not slightly Ikea-esque furnishings. The lighting is consistent throughout, regardless of shot distance, and while certain criticisms of the cinematography are noted below, the camera remained reasonably steady throughout. (These clips should not upset your stomach if you became nauseated while pleasuring yourself to, say, The Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield, or season one of Boston Legal.)

The thespians appear to be fastidiously concerned with personal hygiene. (Let’s just say that if these two were apes dependent upon grooming one another for sustenance, they would require nutritional supplements to avoid starvation. We’ll leave it at that.) Both are attractive and reasonably healthy looking, with clear skin, below-normal body fat, and no conspicuous scarring. They appear to be in their mid-twenties. The female has one tattoo, inside her left ankle, but it is difficult to determine the subject matter of same. (Something small and dark. Like a black or navy squirrel. A ferret, perhaps.) The male is likely unable to sunbathe in public wearing short shorts (depending, of course, on applicable state and local laws concerning exposure, as well as his own modesty), and the female nigh approaches Plato’s Form for bosoms.

The male’s potentially promising future as a hand model is evident in Clip #1 (as is his unusually extendable tongue) and Clip #2 showcases the female’s prodigiously bendy physiology (Cirque du Soleil scouts, take note). Clip #3 is discussed below, and Clip #4, well, depicts the culmination of the male’s efforts.

Overall, these video clips are well made, the subjects attractive and in apparent good health, and the overall experience positive. That is not to say, however, that this footage is without fault.

For example, Clip #3 utilizes a camera angle for the female that is particularly unflattering, and this is exacerbated by the fact that it depicts a decidedly unladylike activity.

More egregious, and one of our oft-stated pet peeves, is that the original audio in all four clips has been replaced with less than convincing studio dubs. This merits repeating: poor voice acting diminishes the viewing experience and is a disservice to the hard work of the crew and on-screen actors. While one understandable explanation could be that the post production audio engineer was unable to sufficiently isolate and remove the squeaky balloon noises, there is simply no excuse for amateurish voice acting. Especially not when the film otherwise has reasonably high production values.

cost: Free
bedminster score: Five Nipples (Out of eight)

Boudreau Freret misses his native Louisiana, but most of what he writes (and thinks) about continues to be against the law there.

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