Monday, January 12, 2009

brave voice:  Hey, man, this guy is totally disrespecting your girlfriend. You should say something.
me:   Well, she did step on his shoes.
brave voice:  Huh, that’s true, I hadn’t thought about that.
me:   But maybe I should say something.
brave voice:   No, no, you make a really good point about the shoes.
me:   Yeah, but she’s my girlfriend.
brave voice:  Those are some nice shoes, man. Is that leather?
me:   I think so, but—
brave voice:  Excuse me, sir, where’d you get them shoes?

* * *

brave voice:  Hey, man, did you hear that kid scream? You should seriously consider doing something.
me:   Maybe I’ll go take a look.
brave voice:  Whoa, whoa, slow down, Colonel Custer. Let’s think about this for a second.
me:   O.K. …
brave voice:  Judging by the sound of the scream, the kid is probably just playing. And if not, he’s either autistic or possessed. In either case, you’re probably not the best person to handle the situation.
me:   But he sounds hurt.
brave voice:  Let’s go buy a gun.

* * *

brave voice:  Duck!
me:   Ahh!
brave voice:  Wait, nope. Just a cloud.

* * *

brave voice:  Hey, man, these toy cars are made with lead paint.
me:   Oh crap, you’re right. I should tell someone.
brave voice:  What the hell? Why would you do that?
me:   Huh?
brave voice:  It’s like X-ray protection with wheels.
me:   I guess …
brave voice:  Plus lead is important for healthy bones and good vision.
me:   Wait—
brave voice:  That’s why rabbits have great eyesight. Man, you have a great job.
me:   This seems wrong.
brave voice:  Do you get a discount?

* * *

me:   Should we rent The Exorcist or Poltergeist?
brave voice:  What about Homeward Bound?
me:   Hmm, The Exorcist is a classic, but we’ve never seen Poltergeist.
brave voice:  Homeward Bound looks good.
me:   Maybe we should go with Poltergeist.
brave voice:  “The heartwarming tale of three pets driven to incredible lengths …”
me:   But you can’t go against a classic.
brave voice:  “… by the love they hold for their human family …”
me:   We could just get both.
brave voice:  “… their journey is one of life and death, full of danger that will keep you in heart-pounding suspense”
me:   But I only have $5.
brave voice:  What was The Exorcist about again?

* * *

me:   Do you know anything about these charges on my credit card?
brave voice:  What’s a credit card?
me:   The Sir ChopsAlot food processor.
brave voice:  No clue.
me:   $500 for a medieval battleaxe.
brave voice:  That one was me.
me:   Karate lessons …
brave voice:  That sounds familiar.
me:   For children …
brave voice:  No, I was thinking of something else.
me:   In Japan.
brave voice:  I think that was Repressed Adolescence.


Micah Cratty is a Santa Fe–based journalist and a humor writer, but mainly he’s an intern.

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