Thursday, January 1, 2009

Your new HEAD weighs ONE THOUSAND pounds. Everyone thinks that this is an illusion, but that’s because no one wants to get out of bed and step on the scale. It actually DOES weigh one thousand pounds.

Step on the scale and see for yourself, but be careful looking down. Your new HEAD is exquisitely sensitive to PAIN. Your new HEAD is thirty percent more sensitive to pain than your old HEAD, thanks to refinements for which you can take credit! Your new HEAD will cause you some discomfort for the next day or so, but keep your chin up. The heightened sensitivity to pain is all part of your new HEAD’s enhanced sensitivity to many other sensations.

Your old HEAD was wearing out. Your old HEAD would have thought it heard the sound of your girlfriend’s hair dryer, but your old HEAD was decaying, just like the teeth inside it. With your new HEAD, it will be a whole new world. You’ll realize what you were missing. Everyone should realize what they were missing, and you will, with your new HEAD.

Your new HEAD is educational. Your old HEAD would have made you get off the couch to stop your girlfriend’s six-year-old daughter and her friend from painting themselves and the kitchen floor with green and orange paint. Not your new HEAD. New HEADS come equipped with a “Let It Go” feature. Your new HEAD will teach you that the kitchen floor, and the dog barking at the kitchen door, all will be perfectly fine without you moving a muscle.

Your new HEAD is completely safe. The feeling that you have pounded a 4”-long nail into your skull is completely normal. Each new HEAD is carefully inspected and any HEAD with a defect is shipped to a sub-Saharan African country in a crate marked “U.S. Aid.”

New HEADS are fun! Anticipate the thrill of riding the Millennium Force at Cedar Point (400-foot drop, 120 m.p.h., 6 Gs) fifteen times in succession, without even leaving your couch! A new HEAD is all about fun, fun, and more fun.

Last night you were praying to the porcelain god. Not this morning. Thank your new HEAD. Your old HEAD may have let your belly rebel on you, but not your new HEAD. Your new HEAD will be full of sage advice for dealing with the nausea that remains from your old HEAD’s failure to foresee the consequences of its overindulgence.

You may find yourself spending the first few hours with your new HEAD curled up in a fetal position on the couch. This is your body’s reaction to discovering that it has a new HEAD. Your body is under the impression that you are starting from scratch, about to enter the world again for the first time. Curl up and enjoy the downtime! You’re entitled to it for having the wisdom to replace your old HEAD.

Every new HEAD needs nourishment, but one of the beauties of a new HEAD is that it won’t need nourishment for a good 12 hours. In fact, it won’t want nourishment for a good 12 hours. Your new HEAD does need to be kept properly hydrated, but it will take care of this on its own by sending you signals that it needs water, now.

When you’re finally ready to look into the mirror and admire your new HEAD, don’t be alarmed by those red blotches. You’ve just had your old HEAD removed and a new HEAD put in its place. Some trauma is to be expected.

Chances are this won’t be your first new HEAD, or your last. Remember, HEADS wear out. Your new HEAD is pre-fitted with a conscience that will tell you that you will never, ever put yourself through the kind of ordeal, like last night, that shortens the life expectancy of a HEAD. Take advantage of that conscience while it lasts. Many owners of a new HEAD report that it makes them more productive at work.

Life is life and nothing lasts forever. Relax on the couch today and enjoy your HEAD while the year is factory-fresh and so is your new HEAD.

Daniel Merida grew up in Garrard County, Kentucky, which is a dry county. Seriously.

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