Friday, January 23, 2009

Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde

— Three ripped shirts
— Clear Eyes Insane Red Eyes Reliever
— Notebook full of formulas with words “YES! YES!” written in margins
— Notebook full of formulas with words “NOOOO! NOOOOO!” in margins, stained with what I am going to tell myself is ketchup
— Bubbly green potion that looks mighty tempting to drink
— Toothbrush

Captain Ahab

— Harpoon he’s been promising to take home for weeks
— VHS of Free Willy
— Tylenol PM, in bulk
— Sleep machine that makes wave-crashing noises, up to 70 wave-filled minutes
— Nice velvet sleeping mask we got on sale at Linens ’n Things back in June or maybe July
— Legal pad with whales committing suicide doodled all over it
— Toothbrush


— Extra set of neck bolts
— Season 2, Disc 4 of Friends
— Burt’s Bees chapstick
— Season 3, Disc 1 of Family Guy
— Bootleg copy of Epic Movie
— Toothbrush

Humbert Humbert

— Locked leather-bound journal labeled definitely not prose about touching little girls
— Clear Eyes Insane Red Eyes Reliever
— Diary full of hurtful, yet admittedly well-written entries about how unattractive I am
— One argyle sock, one white sock
— A second diary full of entries about how dumb I am, for which I had to use a dictionary because some words were very big
— Toothbrush

The Invisible Man

Jill Morris is a contributor for The Onion. She performs in N.Y. with her improv and sketch teams Kape and The Stamp and Coin Club. She was voted Worst Dressed in high school and can be reached at

Anne Frank: Observational Comic Have you noticed how, recently, it’s like everyone hates Jews? What’s that about?
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