Position Available: Associate Sidekick
Time Commitment: Full-time, in both past and future timeframes. Work during the present will be 40 hours per week. Misuse of the Time Machine to pad timesheets will not be tolerated.
Experience: 0–1 years. Previous experience as henchman a plus. Colonial Williamsburg does not count towards experience; it is an American abomination, historically inaccurate, and overpriced.
Salary: $9.00 – $12.00 hourly + Variable (contingent upon fluctuating rates of stolen priceless art and/or treasure). Overtime will not be granted, as it is nearly indefinable in the time-travel industry.
Travel: Yes. 100% of this job requires travel, so to speak. While traveling you MUST keep your arms, legs, and head within the Time Machine. “The fabric of time and space” is actually not fabric-like at all. Failure to comply with this simple rule will cause your immediate death, and results in a messy cleanup, which aggravates my arthritic elbow.
Education Level: No degree required. Applicant should be able to grasp the intricate complexities of the universe and the paradoxical phenomena of time, space, and multi-dimensions, or be entirely ignorant of same. Subscription to Scientific American a plus.
Benefits: Wealth, fame, fortune, 401(k), travel to exciting places/epochs, ability to permanently alter history, healthcare (by traveling back in time for prevention or forward for cure). The Time Machine is not an inter-era ambulance.
Abilities: Applicant must be punctual, detail-oriented, and have a decent grasp of the diabolical. Basic pilfering skills will be useful, as well as an ear for accents and an eye for historical fashion. Operational knowledge of the Time Machine is not necessary, nor will you be taught; I am the sole inventor and operator. Should you decide to read the Time Machine manual I may transport you the future where scientists have accidentally created an animal crossbreed so horrific I cannot describe it but for three words: tentacles, talons, bloodthirsty.
Other: Good opportunity for advancement; possibility of eventually joining me in a fiendish duo; I’m open to outside ideas and creative thoughts. Note: Due to time travel’s inherent logistical problems, life insurance does not cover one’s untimely nonexistence. Payment cannot be provided to those who never were. Please reiterate this point to your wife or significant other; I have serious work to do and cannot be constantly explaining your inexistence to a hysterical halfwit.
Serious inquiries only. There will be no amateur Mr. Peabody shenanigans; this is a serious and devious endeavor with extremely high stakes. There will be no historical lesson-learning or slow-motion-erasing Hollywood-style special effects. Impudence will not be tolerated and punishment will be quick and severe. Your insolence will result in my travelling back in time with you, bound and gagged, forcing you to rewatch your childhood, especially the many wedgies and pantsings suffered at the hands of hulking dunces, which both enrages and emboldens you, thus driving you to use your towering intellect for evil, always for evil.
To Apply Please Contact:
Dr. Nicolas A. Dreadful