Sunday, March 15, 2009

(i) Teeny-Tiny Tears

Nanotechnology may lead to
Exponentially higher levels of depression;
It gets into the water, and we’ll all turn blue.

(ii) Separating Solids

Nuclear technology is a fabulous deterrent;
But we’ve never used it in a white load,
So we don’t know if it mixes with bleach.

(iii) Healthy Habits

Fiber optics are associated with lower rates
Of colon cancer—the more silica you eat,
The less likely you are to live long enough to get cancer.

(iv) Freaks

A little hard work won’t kill you.
Unless you have myasthenia gravis,
And then it might. There’s always
One of those.

(v) Biofeedback

is all about articulating the causal mechanism
Whereby we are disgusting animals with erratic vitals. You can graph it
And everything. It’s a great way to screen for robots.

(vi) Polygraphing

uses biofeedback equipment to pretend we have a human lie detector.
Thing is, it looks like you’re “lying” when you’re only riled up.
That’s why the C.I.A. uses it—how else are they going to rule out
Job candidates who are really freaked out by MKULTRA and torture?

(vii) Neurofeedback

is like biofeedback, but with the brain.
Incidentally, your brain called.
It would like to have a talk about the drinking.
(Just avoid neurofeedback and you’re fine, bro.)

(viii) Paternity Testing

Paternity testing is so overrated. It cost hundreds of dollars,
And actually said my baby-daddy was a father.
What a crock.

(ix) Maternity Testing

Maternity testing is unnecessary, except in cases of rare genetic disorders
Such as chimerism. This is the disorder in which first you see your future,
Then you don’t, and you blame it on your mother.
(This tests her patience.)
There are only about 40 known cases—it just goes to show you
How much doctors know.
Katelyn Sack is a writer, musician, and painter currently residing in Charlottesville. Her art has been displayed in numerous venues, and her writing has appeared or is pending publication in Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Science Creative Quarterly, and Opium Magazine. She would like a book deal, please.

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