Thursday, April 23, 2009

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, thereby making them … middle-aged? (And, yes, you’re old, too.)

Lives of the Mutant Ninja Turtles

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Leonardo: Leads
Donatello:: Does machines
Raphael: Cool but rude
Michelangelo: Party dude

Twentysomething Mutant Ninja Turtles

Leonardo: Leads (essay-writing tutorials for SAT prep classes)
Donatello:: Does machines in his parents’ basement
Raphael: Still hangs out with the younger mutant ninja turtles after football games; also rude
Michelangelo: Party dude

Thirtysomething Mutant Ninja Turtles

Leonardo: Leads (the day shift at J.C. Penney)
Donatello:: Does machines for local criminal enterprise because how else does a gigantic machinist turtle make a living, damn it
Raphael: Contemplates the terrifying certainty that he will spend his entire life without having truly loved; still rude
Michelangelo: Party dude

Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles

Leonardo: Leads (raiding parties on World of Warcraft)
Donatello:: Does time
Raphael: Finds soul mate on; relatively polite
Michelangelo: Has serious liver problems

Elderly Mutant Ninja Turtles

Leonardo: Leads (unsuccessful effort to “get the band back together”/quiet life in Omaha)
Donatello:: Does not want to go back in there ever again
Raphael: Reels from messy divorce; buys boat; sails from key to key bedding “island cuties”; still basically rude
Michelangelo: Dead

Lucas Klauss hails from Georgia and lives in Brooklyn. He reads books with names like Lacrosse Firestorm for a living. His work can be found at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Apiary, and

Some Nature Haiku The proud, burly tree / Rests on the now crashed TV / Thanks a lot, nature
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