Republishing some of Y.P.R.’s most cryptic and sacrilegious conspiracies.
Title: The Da Vinci Code
Author: Dan Brown
Logline: It’s The Name of the Rose meets Thomas Crown Affair meets Scooby-Doo!
The book is just stupid popular, so consider the opening weekend to gross 80 mil, easy. And it’s a book destined for motion-picture adaptation if ever there was one. It reads tight and fast-paced, loaded with thrills, chases, and riddles at every turn. There’s highbrow art-history lessons in there, secret societies, and also some sexy European locales. The plot goes like this: Robert Langdon is this art professor dude who meets some hot French cryptologist chick named Sophie, and they run around solving Riddler-style riddles. Some wicked Christians are after them, too, and I think it’s got something to do with Jesus and da Vinci. Whatever, it’s practically a movie already. Get a load of this movie-ready dialogue:
SOPHIEAnagrams? I’d never have guessed it!LANGDONYou’re the worst cryptographer ever!SOPHIEI know! It’s like I’m retarded!
How about that? It sounds like genuine real-people-speaking dialogue, not fakey-phoney movie-people dialogue. The screenwriter who adapts this has got his work cut out for him. All he’s got to do is stick a couple of hard returns in there, and bingo! Oscar gold. Take this scene, where Sophie and Langdon are stymied by a missing ten-digit PIN to her late grandfather’s secret Swiss account:
SOPHIECurses! So close! But alas, we’re stymied by the missing ten-digit PIN to my grandfather’s secret Swiss account …LANGDONIt’s no use. We’ll never guess it. There’s ten zillion possible combinations. If only he left us a clue …
SOPHIEOh, Grandpa! Why couldn’t you leave us a clue?LANGDONHmm … ten-digit number … ten-digit number …SOPHIEYou don’t think—LANGDONOf course!LANGDON & SOPHIEThe ten-digit number he wrote on his chest before he died six hours ago!
(together)SOPHIEI’m so stupid!LANGDONAbsolutely fucking brain-dead!
Hell, if that’s not psychologically taut, suspense-building tension with a foreshadowing, character-expository big reveal, I don’t know what is. And then, as if this movie wasn’t already a certified blockbuster, the story really pays off with a super big twist Hollywood whammo ending. Right here, this is the money shot, where Langdon’s trusted ally Sir Teabing reveals his sinister plans:
TEABINGMmmmyes, ’tis I, the nefarious Sir Teabing! I’m the secret villain! You didn’t see that coming because it’s the oldest cliché in the book, my dear boy! Now, I’ll point this gun at you and force you to help me, despite the fact that you’ve enthusiastically helped me all along! Bwaaaaahahahaha!! How dastardly of me!
Goddamn it, if we don’t make this movie, we should just kill ourselves. Perfect starring vehicle for Kevin Costner and Julia Roberts. Plus, maybe Leonardo Di Caprio as Leonardo da Vinci? Maybe Jamie Lee Curtis would be interested in a cameo as the Mona Lisa, because of that man/woman thing.
Recommendation: Definitely consider.
Mona Beasa (La Zbornak)
Selected masterworks from The Golden Girls Exhibit, arriving at New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art this September.