Monday, June 29, 2009

Billy Mays


IRED OF hair-splitting hangovers after a night of drinking? Frustrated by the hallucinations and financial burden of your cocaine addiction? Hi, Billy Mays, here, for marijuana, the only narcotic that provides feelings of euphoria and well-being with little to no negative side-effects!

That’s right! Say goodbye to disappointing highs, and let marijuana open your eyes! IT’S FAST! IT’S EASY! It’s a one-stop-shop for all your avoidant and escapist tendencies!

Despite what you may have heard, marijuana is more than just a gateway drug; it is an all-natural, locally grown comfort herb. Its unique design allows it to create an altered state of consciousness while simultaneously making your presence more enjoyable to those around you! From increasing your appreciation of art, humor, and music to enhancing your skills in philosophical thinking, there is literally nothing this wonder-plant cannot do!!

Got pain? Got regrets? Smoke some weed and learn to forget!

As Seen on TV

Try marijuana today and discover the heightened awareness of colors and patterns that people in Mexico and Amsterdam have known for centuries!

BUT WAIT! There’s more! This miracle drug is so versatile it can be consumed from dozens of containers with little to no cleanup! Flower vases, tea kettles, water bottles, saxophones, bubble pipes, model rockets, travel mugs, YOU NAME IT! If you can get your mouth around it, you can smoke out of it!

Why fool around with messy beer bongs or possibly infected hypodermic needles, when you could be smoking weed out of an apple? Let your imagination run wild and there’s no end to your marijuana smoking options! Just look at these industrious cannabis enthusiasts! They’ve put half a pound of hash in a chiminea and are “hot boxing” a utility shed! Brilliant!

In your bed or in your car, marijuana’s perfect wherever you are!

Whether playing Dungeons & Dragons in your friend’s basement or lounging around your dorm room in a Snuggie, marijuana is the missing ingredient for any occasion!

When it comes to marijuana, there’s no doubt about it, life sucks without it!

Buy today and you’ll get this quarter ounce of quality hydro, a street-value of $59.99, for the one-time only low price of $19.99!! That’s right! $19.99!! For the miniscule price you would normally pay for three Zantac tablets or a half vial of blotter acid, you get enough weed to keep you blazed for an entire weekend at Lollapalooza! PLUS, buy now and I’ll throw in this multi-functional plastic baggie FOR FREE! Perfect for concealing your stash in hoodie pockets, glove compartments, and anuses, this baggie is a MUST-HAVE for every serious marijuana user!


Buy today and I’ll throw in these rolling papers and a roach clip—a $3.75 value—FOR FREE!! You heard that right! You pay absolutely nothing for the essential accessories that will have you sparking up fatties before your mid-afternoon nap!

A quarter ounce of hydro, a plastic baggie, some rolling papers, a roach clip, AND this discreet bottle of Visine eye solution—perfect for concealing those pesky dilated pupils—for only $19.99!! That’s a $65.84 value for the too-good-to-be-true price of $19.99!!

You can’t afford to pass this by! Slip me a twenty and give weed a try!

Kent Woodyard’s work is occasionally featured in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. When he is not contributing to Facebook walls and YouTube comment sections, he writes for and edits, a half-assed site of satire and commentary.

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