Monday, June 22, 2009

Little Parisi and the Boys


t was 1943, and the tide was finally starting to turn. A small American vessel glided stealthily through the waters off the coast of the small Italian town of Passo Oscuro, seeking out a remote spot to make landfall. The boat’s lights were off, its passengers silent. Army Intelligence Operative Lilly Peters steered the boat to a sandy embankment, mere feet from a rickety fishing dock. Her companion, American Mafioso Benedetto “Little” Parisi, sent by the Crime Syndicate after they agreed to help with the war effort, disembarked with a flourish.

“Ring-a-ding-ding, knuckleheads,” said Parisi. “Uncle Sam’s got a message for you: Tie those spaghettis into nooses, cuz you’re hangin’ out to dry!”

“Shhh!” said Agent Lilly Peters, shock and anger written on her face. “This is a covert mission, keep it down! If we’re discovered, it’s curtains.”

RING-A-DING-DING, KNUCKLEHEADS! Uncle Sam’s got a message for you!

“I’m zippin’ it like a zoot suit, lady!” said Parisi.

“Uh huh,” said Lilly. “Listen, there’s supposed to be an encoded communiqué hidden on this dock for Nazi intelligence. We need to find it before they get here!”

Lilly Peters searched under every board of the small dock until she found a manila envelope.

“Check out those gams,” whistled “Little” Parisi, growing increasingly restless.

“Shut up!” hissed Lilly. “You’re not helping! I’m trying to break this code, I need to concentrate! And why didn’t you tie up the boat? It’s floating away!”

“‘Now this broad’s the kinda nutty I like!”

“Watch it, I’m with army intelligence. Who are you talking to, anyway?”

“Woah, this doll’s got fire roarin’ in the belly!”

Unfortunately for our heroes, all of the noise had gotten the attention of two burly Italian army privates. They came barreling over in the direction of the racket.

“Wonderful, now we’re done for!” yelled Lilly Peters. “Why are you even here?”

“I’ll tell you why,” Parisi said, turning his attention to the first soldier who was now only mere feet away. “Hey birdbrain, lemme introduce you to a boot cocktail, courtesy of the Stars & Stripes! One part steel toe, two parts your teeth!” Benedetto kicked the large guard square in the mouth. “Just your size, wiseguy,” he said.

At that moment, the second soldier grabbed Lilly by the throat.

“Benedetto, help!” gurgled Lilly.

“’Ey, Madonn’,” said Parisi. “Didn’a no one tell you howta treat a lady?”

The private just stared at Parisi, dumbfounded.

“I thought you spoke Italian … speak … Italian” sputtered Lilly, her throat grasped ever tighter. “That’s why you’re … on the … mission!”

“No problem, sweetheart,” said Parisi. “See if ya like the taste of this one, pencilneck: Here’s a calzone with extra sauce!”

“Calzone?” asked the soldier.

Parisi knocked the big man out with only FIVE GUNSHOTS TO THE FACE.

But it was too late. Parisi knocked the big man out with only five gunshots to the face.

“What happened to the fluent Italian?” said Lilly, catching her breath. “I’m having trouble figuring out what you’re here to ‘help’ me with.”

“I’m here to help you teach the Kaiser how to do the Charleston two step!”

“What Kaiser? What are you talking about?”

“I’m gonna give old man Churchill the Brooklyn broomstick, right up the wazoo!”

“He’s on our side!” Lilly screamed, exasperated.

“’Ey!” yelled Parisi, shrugging his shoulders dramatically. “This dame’s a firecracker!”

Andrew Golden was well on his graduate-school way to making no money as a history professor before stopping dead in his tracks to make no money in PBS historical documentaries. He has been spotted on McSweeney’s and the bottom of his dresser drawers (link disabled).

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