Thursday, July 16, 2009

“To learn more about the biochemistry of addiction, scientists in Australia dropped liquefied freebase cocaine on bees’ backs, so it entered the circulatory system and brain. The scientists found that bees react much like humans do: cocaine alters their judgment, stimulates their behavior and makes them exaggeratedly enthusiastic about things that might not otherwise excite them.”

Day One
You’re not on cocaine. Your doctor just told you you’ve got a high pollen count. Ha-ha. Just kidding. You love cocaine. But you did it for science, Your Honor!

Day Two
Who knew pollen was such a gateway drug? You knew that sometimes the buzz has a sting, but this booger sugar is sweeter than any honey you’ve ever known.

Day Three
You’d dance for food! Your drug dealer is your new queen … or perhaps you’re his queen, because you’re willing to do anything to get another hit.

Day Four
You just want to dance! “Ain’t nuthin’ but a bee thing, baby! A loc’d-out drone goin’ craz-ay!”

Day Five
It’s The Secret Lives Of Bees 2: Electric Boogaloo! Seinfeld’s going to have to do an R-rated sequel to Bee Movie now—maybe the bee could do blow with Renée Zelwegger, giving her another excuse to lose weight. A shame Sam Kinison’s dead—he could’ve done your voice in the movie. “I … want … less … honey and … more … coke!” Better yet, Sam and you could’ve done coke together on set—you could get high for two years just by resting your back inside one of his bloody nostrils after he’d inevitably pass out.

Day Six
You are floating like a butterfly right now. Why are you so into electronica music all of a sudden? You used to say “Heck no!” to techno. It must be the cocaine. Which reminds you, you have to get more cocaine.

Day Seven
You don’t have a coke problem—you have a cocaine solution. But you’ll only do the liquefied stuff. Crack is wack! You’re no crack hornet.

The End

Matt Sullivan’s work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Playboy, The Onion and on his parents’ fridge.

Half-Blood Princery Y.P.R. never misses the chance to recycle its Mudblood jokes.
How To
The Everyman's Guide to Adoption Once your return the baby safely to your hostel or back alley, it is important to make an exit as quickly and quietly as possible.
The Private Life of Obama's Speechwriter The secret life of Jon Favreau, the President's wordsmith wunderkind.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.



RSD | RSS I | RSS II | Atøm | Spanish









From the Y.P.aRchives


Fun, Fickle Fiction (for Free!)
Fact, Opinion, Essay, & Review
Poetry & Lyric
Advice, How To, & Self-Help


Spectacular Features, Calendrical Happenings, Media Gadflies
Media Gadflies
Calendrical Happenings
The Book Club


Semi-Frequent Columns
Letter from the Editors
Disquieting Modern Trends


Interviews with Interviewers
One-Question Interviews


Correspondence (Letters To and Letters From) Letters from Y.P.R. Letters to Y.P.R. Birthday Cards to Celebrities


The Y.P.aRt Gallery Illustrious Illustration Photography Photomontage Graphic Design Logo Gallery


Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms Shreek of the Week of the Day What's Up with That? Fuit Salad Nick's Guff Vermont Girl The M_methicist Daily Garfield Digest Polish Facts: An Antidote to the Polish Joke


New & Noteworthy Et Cetera, Et Cetera, Et Cetera


Contributors' Notes


The Y.P.aRchives

This journal is powered by Movable Typo 4.01.

Y.P.R. & Co.