Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Angelina Jolie's Digestive System

11:42 a.m.

Beautiful mega-star and child-rearing extraordinaire Angelina Jolie ingests one veggie sandwich late this morning, an unnamed personal assistant reports. The sandwich is said to be healthy-looking and fresh. While it is certain that her light luncheon’s sandwich contained sprouts and hummus, reports of cucumber and red peppers are as yet unsubstantiated. Personal representative Elle Meier makes no specific comment on the sandwich, but does mention that Jolie “had a wonderful meal today and would like to thank all the vegetables involved for their nutrition and flavor.”

3:20 p.m.

A single drop of sweat is confirmed to have dropped off of Angelina’s brow during her afternoon jog through the Jolie-Pitts’ multi-acre estate in Brignoles, France. Paparazzi quickly clamor around the small briny puddle and manage to capture dozens of photos before being shooed from the premises. The photos are leaked to the Internet, where they cause a cyber-fracas of wild speculation regarding the volume, pH, and salinity of the fluid.

1:02 p.m.

Angelina takes her one breath of the day out of a mysterious tin canister she keeps hidden on her person at all times. Her fitness coach has reportedly recommended that Angelina cut down on her respiration to keep lean for her next film (nude scene?).

5:07 p.m.

Upon reading a Time article about an orphaned Iraqi child, Angelina releases a tumid cloud of empathy into the atmosphere of the public park she is sitting in. The bluish fog (color indicating her disposition as “sad”) induces passers-by into brow-furrowing and general philanthropic concern. A pleasant almondy aroma is also mentioned. “Angelina emotes with veracity,” says her therapist Dr. Martha A. Goodwell. “I see this as a healthy habit.” The nebulous mist moves northward with the wind and dissolves over an unsuspecting meter maid, who gingerly fingers her uniform’s hem before looking skyward and pleading, “Why?”

7:11 p.m.

Twins! After a lengthy period of anxious anticipation, Angelina finally makes her much-awaited bowel movement just after dinner. Jubilant hubby Brad Pitt appears excited and thankful, telling reporters, “We’ve been waiting so long for these little miracles … they give our lives meaning,” before breaking down into joyful tears. According to friends, the family had been entertaining guests over tapas and wine when Angelina abruptly stood up, looked down with face aghast and charged to the lavatory with her husband, children, and guests hot in pursuit. Brad is reportedly present during the procedure, videotaping for posterity. Concern had surrounded the bloated and gassy Angelina, whose little ones—known in advance to be twins—had been due for 6 p.m. Family gastronomist Dr. Alfonse Terry reported that Angelina goes “in the natural way,” though she does elect to be given an epidural. Doting over the two beswaddled turdlets, Angelina announces that the two newest family members will be named Zaphistoe and Mandrake.

11:53 p.m.

Just before climbing into bed, Angelina hikes up her nightie, crouches into a half-squat and births a baby boy. The tiny newborn is quickly swarmed and devoured by the rest of the multi-racial brood while Brad and Angelina make wild, passionate love. “We have awesome sex all the time,” Brad says afterward in a rare candid moment.

Owen Davis lives and works in Austin, Texas. He writes music and stories, but his best work can be found splattered against the walls of darkened inner-city alleyways. He owns a cat named Fela Kitty to whom he owes all he has in this life.

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