Friday, July 10, 2009

Sarah Palin Advances in Another Direction


i, Alaska. I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people I serve, as your Governor.

People who know me know that, besides faith and family, nothing’s more important to me than our beloved Alaska. Well, I should say, nothing’s more important than Alaska and not being swallowed whole by the many-tentacled maw of inconceivable horror.

I want Alaskans to grasp what can be in store for our state. The United States purchased this territory because a member of President Abe Lincoln’s cabinet, William Seward, providentially saw in this great land vast riches, beauty and strategic placement as a defense against the armies of nightmare who forever surge against the places where the boundaries between our universe and theirs is thin.

So to serve the state is a humbling responsibility, because I know in my soul that Alaska is of such import for America’s security in our very fragile world, which unearthly forces hunger to consume. I promised almost three years ago years ago that there would be no more politics-as-usual and no invasions of trans-dimensional demons. Not on my watch, Buster.

While I may just be a hockey mom, I am all that stands between the people of Earth and the insatiable hunger of the death-god Cthulhu.

And you know me by now. Every day that I’ve served you, I’ve woken up, looked in the mirror, and reminded myself that, while I may just be a hockey mom, I am all that stands between the people of Earth and the insatiable hunger of the death-god Cthulhu.

And I know that, in the face of annihilation by the squid-headed elder deity, it would be apathetic to merely go with the flow. My father told me once that only dead fish go with the flow, and there will be a lot of dead fish when Cthulhu blows the foul trumpet that heralds the end of time, and the rivers and seas boil and froth.

Going forward, I will fight the forces that threaten to tear this world apart, and I will support others who seek to aid in the fight, in or out of office. And I don’t care what party they’re in, or if they’re in no party at all. Conservatives and liberals alike will have their limbs torn off and their bellies flayed open if the Enemy is allowed to invade our world.

But it’s my sad duty to tell you today that I won’t be fighting the great Enemy from the Governor’s desk.

As I thought about this announcement and what it means for Alaska, I realized how much fun some governors have as lame ducks, traveling around the country, maybe overseas or to Argentina. And then I thought, that’s what’s wrong; they just accept that lame-duck status, hit the road, draw the paycheck, and milk it.

But if I milk it, nobody will be around to stop the howling throngs from crashing through the dimensional barrier, and pretty soon, the only milk left will be coming from the eight horrific teats of the unholy Mother of Madness.

Well, I’m not putting Alaska through that. I promised efficiency and effectiveness almost three years ago. I am not wired to operate under the harsh rule of a cannibalistic god of dread, and that’s not what’s best for Alaska.

So, when the helicopters take off, I’ll be crouched in the lead bird with my wolf-shootin’ rifle, ready to rain holy heck on any nether-critter that’s dumb enough to poke its head through the rifts in the fabric of reality. And I’ll be doing it for Alaska, I’ll be doing it for the troops, and I’ll be doing it for my kids.

I’ll leave the State in the capable hands of our Lieutenant Governor, Sean Parnell. And it is my promise to you that I will always be standing by, ready to assist.

In the words of General MacArthur, “We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction. Against Cthulhu.”

Daniel Friedman is a graduate of the University of Maryland, and the N.Y.U. School of Law. He lives and works in New York City. He spends his spare time searching for Truth and, whenever he finds it, he usually figures out a few ways to improve it.

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