Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Plow Man

Prequel to 1976 film The Plow Man. This film will shed light on the origins of Plow Man and explore the events that took place before the Snow Day Massacre depicted in the original Plow Man movie.


Your next snow angel could be your last!
He will write his name in the snow … with your blood!
This movie is about how Plow Man became Plow Man (Remember Plow Man?)

We open outside a municipal snowplow dispatching center. The sky is gray and snow has just begun to fall. We move inside the building. (Lot of shots of chains and hooks hanging from the ceiling, menacing rusty shovels, dimly lit snow plow in the b.g. (background), f.s. (foreshadowing).)

Move up some stairs into an office, where the PLOW BOSS is busy yelling at an employee named WOLFGANG RIME. (This will turn out to be PLOW MAN!) The boss tells Wolfgang that he is fired for being too crazy, can’t be trusted to drive a snow plow, hints at bizarre series of accidents last winter, i.e. children “accidentally” run over. (Possible material for pre-prequel Plow Man: The Genesis: The Beginning.)

The Boss tells Rime not to go crazy or he will call the police. Rime gets up and leaves. He is very creepy. The Boss goes back to his desk and counts his plow money.

Then he hears chains rattling. It’s only a cat. But then he turns and Rime is RIGHT BEHIND HIM! (Play a loud sound here!) Rime knocks the boss onto the floor. The boss crawls over to his computer and starts writing an e-mail. To: The Police, RE: Help! But right before he can click SEND, Rime impales him with an orange traffic cone. (Lots of gross sound effects here, “kwush!”, “sqloosh!”, etc.)

Rest of Movie: Open on STACEY GOODE, in bed with her boyfriend MITCH SMITH. Mitch wants to have normal, missionary style sex, but Stacey playfully bats him away. She notices it’s snowing and runs outside to get her friend who lives across the street.

Cut to LEZLIE STEIN and her boyfriend JACOB having weird sex (i.e. bondage, role reversal, non-missionary position). Suddenly, a snowball hits the window! (Loud sound!) Lezlie gets up, totally naked, and goes to the window. It’s just Stacey, motioning for Lezlie to come play in the snow. Lezlie unties Jacob and they go outside.

Montage of Stacey, Mitch, Lezlie, Jacob, and a fifth friend (ethnic and/or liberal) building snowmen, having snowball fights, making snow angels. They dare the liberal friend to touch his tongue to a lamp post, and he does.

Out of nowhere, a snowplow turns the corner! The four friends get out of the way but the minority’s tongue is still stuck to the pole! His friends try to pull him off but he’s stuck good, and as the plow gets closer the friends give up and jump out of the way in this order: Lezlie, Jacob, Mitch, and finally Stacey. The friend gets run over by the plow. His severed tongue is left dangling from the lamppost.

Stacey says he might still be alive. She points to a trail of blood and guts left by the plow. “We have to go after him,” she says, “he might still be alive!”

They follow the blood trail to a cabin in the woods. Lezlie comments on the snowman in the yard. “That’s no snowman,” says Jacob. It’s the ethnic friend, impaled on the lawn! A CARROT has been stabbed through his nose!

The friends go into the cabin to phone the police. But there’s no phone, so they light a fire and start roasting marshmallows. Mitch and Stacey sneak away to make out. Mitch wants to go farther but Stacey says she doesn’t want to because of some psychological thing, so instead they share a N.S.I.M. (Non-Sexual Intimate Moment).

Back by the fire, Lezlie and Jacob are having a very S.I.M. (exposed boobs, etc.) Jacob goes to see if the cabin has any whipped cream. He hears a commotion back in the other room. It’s probably just Lezlie masturbating. When he goes back to the fire Lezlie’s back is to him. He licks her back for a while, then turns her around. Her eyes have been replaced with roasted marshmallows!

She falls to the floor, dead. Jacob backs away in fear, and backs right into Rime! R. swings a shovel at Jacob, misses, and Jacob runs away screaming like a coward/woman.

In the other room Mitch and Stacey hear the screaming. They run out and see Lezlie’s body. Suddenly, Rime swings his shovel at both of them. Mitch tells Stacey to run, and then grabs the tongs from the fireplace. Stacey runs away and Mitch and Rime have a tongs vs. shovel fight.

Rime eventually overpowers Mitch and drags him outside. Stacey turns just in time to see Rime holding Mitch by his foot above a wood chipper. “Go Stacey!” Mitch says, “I love y—” but then Rime drops him into the wood chipper. Blood sprays everywhere, etc. (Homage to that movie where a guy gets put in a wood chipper (the original Plow Man movie?))

Stacey cries about her boyfriend for an appropriate amount of time, but then she runs away because RIME IS CHASING HER! They run through the woods for a long time until they eventually get to the snowplow dispatcher from the beginning of the movie!

Stacey runs upstairs to the office. Photographs and newspaper clippings are scattered across the floor. Stacey looks first at a series of pictures depicting Rime’s father locking young Rime in the basement for years when he was a child, then a newspaper clipping: “Local Boy Escapes from Father’s Basement.” Then another clipping of a marine returning from Vietnam in disgrace: “Rolfgang Wime Accused of
” And a final clipping, lying on the back of the Plow Boss’s dead body: “Accused Marine Vanishes, Different Man with Similar Name given Job as Local Plowman.”

Stacey backs away in horror and understanding, just as Rime bursts into the room!

Stacey tries to reason with Rime—his father probably loved him secretly, Vietnam was a quagmire and the men on the ground were lost in a fog or war, etc. Rime looks like he understands, but then throws a tantrum (he is mentally disabled), and he goes after Stacey with the shovel. But it gets caught on a chain hanging from the ceiling! “Snow day is over!” Stacey says, and kicks Rime out the window.

Rime falls from the balcony and gets caught on a hook hanging from the ceiling, which rips out his spine. He lands on the edge of a snowplow and gets cut in half at the waist. His torso crawls across the floor, trying to escape, but then Stacey tips over a giant vat of rock salt, totally burying him.

But as Stacey is walking by, a hand bursts out of the salt pile! (LOUDSOUND!) But then the hand withers and dies.

Stacey smiles. She starts to say, “That was for Mitch,” but then she gets run over by a snow plow. Jacob gets out of the cab! He goes over to the salt pile. “I’m sorry I was too late … Father!”

(Jacob was the son of the guy you thought was going to turn out to be Plow Man, but it turned out Jacob was the real Plow Man! The audience will be happy when they see how they’ve been fooled!)

Mark Brinker wrote this piece in total seriousness and is a little confused why it was accepted by a journal of literary satire (whatever that means), but he doesn’t care as long as it brings him one step closer to his dream, which is to one day own one billion dollars. The hub of his vast internet empire can be found at blogismarkbrinker.blogspot.com.

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