Alternatives to “Finish Him!” in Mortal Kombat“Curtains!” “Have at him!” “Get it over with!” “Let ‘er rip!” “What would Jesus do? O.K., now do the opposite of that.” |  |
Other Things That Are Killing Me Softly
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The outrageous price of batteries. The slow, insidious destruction of the middle class. Velveeta. A six-story fall into a Dumpster full of used gum. The withering glare of Juror #9. Mike Richardson-Bryan used to be a lawyer, but he’s all better now. No, really. His work has also appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, in the pages of Cracked, Stitches, and The Wittenburg Door, and recently appeared in The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2007. He lives in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada with one wife and two dogs. |
Expiration by TwinkieSingular Expressions for Uncommon Food-Related Deaths
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Moved to Vermont with Ben & Jerry Soaring with the angels on atomic Buffalo wings Down the wrong pipe with foie gras Kicked a bucket of the Colonel’s Death by “Death by Chocolate” Expiration by Twinkie Daniel McArdle is a freelance graphic designer/trailing spouse/kept man living in Hong Kong with his wife and two daughters. He presently finds solace in short story rejections, and on soccer pitches, exhibiting a surprising knack for goal. He also amuses himself by correcting those who believe him to be Canadian (he is not, but he generally takes it as a compliment). His latest work can be found in print and online at sites like Pindeldyboz, Hobart, and Monkeybicycle. His expat ramblings can be found at hongkongblong.com.
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Prom Dates from Hell
Beelzebub
Belial
Satan
Lucifer
Helen Caputo
Other Ways to Skin a Cat
Show the cat your collection of vintage Disney figurines and offer to trade one for his skin.
Tell the cat that skin is an unrealistic standard of beauty perpetuated by the media and Maybelline.
Assure the cat that Axl Rose has promised to release Chinese Democracy II upon successful receipt of skin.
Explain that snakes shed their skins every year, and that’s why people take them seriously.
Reverse psychology.
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