“Whereupon hith bodye is layed to rest below this stone and colde earthe, the Judge Byron Edwards (aged 54 yrs of the age) Who rid our towne of witches, recognizing Them by their dancing & some-times sleeping in past 4 thirty of the a.m., thusly ending theyre probable reign of terror before it even had chance to begin. Thus leaving us safe from all Evil but that of Disease, Starvation, people Crazed of cabin fever, judges swayed by but the flimsiest of rumours, actual witches dining at will upon our off-springe, and the complete alienation of our-selves from the Naked Tribes as we have pissed them offe Some-thing Speciale. But that’s O.K., It’s not like the Indians coulde teach any-thing to us about surviving in this un-forgiving Land.
November 12th, 1612 – Julye 18th, 1667”
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“Plopped belowe is The bodye of Jayne Alborn, daughter of Thomas and Deliverance Branford.
Aged 24 yearse, 3 monthes & 1 day.
This one nev’r marry’d even as old as she wuz But it is suppos’d shee Should be acknwlg’d, as she nev’r had childe, for at leaste not Ever giving into the Carnal gyrations, but merely lived withe another similarly chaste woman of Similar closely-cropped Hair.
Let it also be remember’d that Jayne alsoe lent her Massive arms and sturdie hammer in forging the iron benches for our Great Churche.
Upon laying in this coffine is the first she wears a dress wot resembles not pants of men.
Let not her remissness to bear even a solitary child be her dyke to the riv’r of Heav’n.
1638 – 62”
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“Beneath this hard Earth is Wedged the not completlie unexplored bodie of one (1) Hester Prynne.
Her Punishment for For Unlawful Carnal Knowledging a Minister — not juste some Dude, a Minister — was … get this … wearinge an “A” upon the Bosom of her Clothing! We recognize on thise stone, her Cruel & Unusual Punishment. For others who doth sinn around here merely face Beatings or e’en just being set a-flame & Grilled alive upon a stake. But poor Hester had to literally wear an “A” upon her chest! And she was shunned by all the towns-people! How awful That Must have beene as our towns-people are of the peak in Humour and Engaging conversation and are not miserable bores who Do nothing but slog & Labor like mind-less Asses until they doth collapse into their Beds which e’en are made to be of the least of comfort because a Bad night’s reste will some-how please God our Lorde.