Dan Brown’s Angel Code and Daemons
C H A P T E R 1
 Henry Ford’s schematics for the Model T, circa 1908. |
| R |
enowned car engineer Davey Thompson staggered away from the assembly line. He was being approached by a dark shadow. Stomp! Stomp! Davey thought to himself, “I must run faster! He’s getting close!” Stomp! Clomp!
Davey sprinted like a runner as fast as possible! Stomp! Patter! Whoop! Crash! He fell into the assembly line. “How ironic,” thought Davey, “My own assembly line, where I worked in this great city of Detroit for forty years, where I was so great at creating cars will now, in fact, be the very place where I am uncreated. Or in other words, where I die!”
The shadow stepped into the light! Clomp! Stomp! He was holding a gun!
Davey knew that he’d have to act fast and do something symbolic before he died. Death! Symbolic!
He pointed toward the West. Bam! Boom! Blammo! The shadowy figure smirked as he pointed his gun at Davey … and shot him! Boomo! Then Davey went through the conveyor belt and was grossly smushed by the assembly line. Whirl! Wop! Whoa!
The menacing, shadowy figure smirked and left the car plant the way it was before he came in: empty! Just like the contents of Davey’s life … or now death!
C H A P T E R 2
| P |
rofessor Roger Lipton looked around at all the severe old white faces in his midst. All glaring at him from across the table. Lipton on one side and the seven board members of Harvard on the other.
Thump, thump! Lipton’s heart beat fast! Thump!
“Professor Lipton,” said the Chief Inquisitor, “You know why you’re here, right?”
Thump! Maybe they could hear his heart. Ah, it reminded him of the symbol of Jarkata. He thought about how the great pagan symbols often had moments of truth. For example, Jarkata also had to face an interrogation at his workplace of witchery. To commemorate the anxiety he felt, he carved (Carve! Carve!) a wooden statue, on the back of which he emblazoned an ancient sign for virility that would transcend time itself, until it was lost and chopped into firewood.
Luckily, Lipton happened upon the firewood at an outdoor market in Bangladesh while he was on one of his many exotic adventures. He noticed, once he set fire to the wood, that the ancient symbol actually appeared in the smoke. Lipton then, using reverse optmothology, was able to convert the smoke back to wood using science and logic. Through the symbol he gained access to a group of Welsh shamans who were trying to plot the assassination of the Duke of Earlham. Boy, were they surprised when he foiled them and also unearthed a controversial secret about naughty Pan. Namely, that Pan didn’t even exist. Chuckle! Chuckle! Lipton chuckled to himself.
“Professor, why are you laughing? This is very serious. You are being kicked out of Harvard due to the fact that you haven’t been working here for the past ten years.”
Thump! Thump! Lipton’s heart raced as quickly as his mind. Mind! Thump! “Surely, all the conspiracies I have foiled in the past decade can be seen as work.”
“You haven’t taught a class in that decade and you haven’t been published. We are not an American Scotland Yard, we are a University.”
Lipton saw his chance: “Actually, Scotland Yard is in England. Not America.”
A hush spread over the room. Whispers of “By God, he’s right” and “Get a fact check on that” spread across the table.
Lipton felt at peace. Peace! No thump heart! After a suspenseful hour, the fact checker entered the ornately designed room.
The only noise that could be heard was the thumping hearts of everybody. Thump! Thump! Thump! “Ha ha,” thought Lipton, “My heart doesn’t go thump!”
“I just checked the facts,” said the Fact Checker, “And Scotland Yard isn’t in America at all!”
“Well, where is it?” challenged the Chief Inquisitor.
“Hold on, I’ll check the facts.”
“Or you could take my word for it,” sneered Lipton.
Thump! Thump!
They all did.
“Also,” said the Fact Checker, “There is a spine-tingling mystery in Detroit right now with very symbolic implications. How will we ever solve it?”
The Chief Inquisitor put his head in his hands and started weeping. “We’ll never solve this mystery. There are too many powerful interests against us! What ever will we do?”
Lipton cleared his throat. Clear! “I’ll solve it in as controversially and intellectually as I can. I’ll put Harvard back on the map!”
Thump! Thump!
What would Harvard say?
Thump! Thump!
They all said, “Yay! solve the mystery.”
“But what if he doesn’t solve it?”
Thump! Thump!
Lipton thought to himself then spoke, “I will solve it.”
Everybody wiped off flop sweat in relief. Wipe! Wipe!
C H A P T E R 3
| T |
he Professor flew into Detroit National Airport at 5 p.m. He walked into the strange city awed by the history of it. He went into a coffee shop and ordered an espresso.
“That’ll be four dollars.”
Lipton laughed heartily. The barista, an attractive, slender woman in her twenties gave him a strange glance. “What’s so funny?”
Lipton wiped a laughter tear from his eye. Wipe! “Oh, you see, back when Detroit was invented, oh probably around 1733, four dollars would have bought the whole city! And now coffee costs that much in this rich and diverse city: the engine of American progress.”
She also laughed heartily. Laugh! Laugh!
“That’s funny and historically accurate. What are you doing in Detroit?”
Lipton laughed heartily. Laugh! Laugh! “I’m solving heart-pounding mysteries with religious connotations. Care to join?” Her smile was answer enough. Smile!
C H A P T E R 4
| L |
ipton and girl walked over to Ford’s main plant. Walk! Walk! They approached the receptionist, an attractive, slender woman in her twenties. Lipton opened his mouth. Open!
“We have an appointment with Hezekiah Ford, who is the head of Ford.”
The attractive, slender receptionist in her twenties gave them a winning smile. “Go on in. He’s expecting you.” She proceeded to push a button. Whoooosh! The door opened with a whooosh noise. Whooosh!
An evil-looking, terrible, odious man sat behind a huge wooden desk. How distrustful he was. “Sit down, Professor Jerk! Why do you meddle in my affairs? I will kill you.”
Thump! Thump! Were Lipton and girl to die …
C H A P T E R 5
… Lipton and girl didn’t die. It turns out that Hezekiah Ford wanted to talk first.
“Why would you dare to entangle yourself in forces bigger than the world,” said Ford, “You will die if you get too close!” Would Lipton and girl meet their untimely demise now? Thump!
C H A P T E R 6
| L |
ipton and girl didn’t die at all. In fact, they lived!
Lipton doffed his hat (he was wearing one, you see). “Sir, we are just here to solve this most gruesome of murders.”
“How dare you accuse me and my Great-Grandfather, Henry Ford, who was the founder of this company, of murder!”
“It is true, Henry Ford made this company in June 16th, 1903,” Lipton went on. “He revolutionized the way cars are made with the Model T model, which he invented on October 8, 1908. He was adamantly against labor unions. Henry Ford died on April 7th, 1947. Nobody knows how he died; some people think that he had ties to shady organizations and that perhaps that is why he died.”
Snarl! Hezekiah snarled at Lipton! “You’re barking up the wrong tree. If you don’t look out, I’ll kill you!”
Lipton and girl felt their hearts thumping. Thump! Were they to die?
C H A P T E R 7
| T |
hey lived and went over to General Motors. Walk! Walk! They approached the receptionist, an attractive, slender woman in her twenties. Lipton opened his mouth. Open!
“We have an appointment with George Motors, who is the head of General Motors.”
The attractive, slender receptionist in her twenties gave them a winning smile. “Go on in. He’s expecting you.” She proceeded to push a button. Whoooosh! The door opened with a whooosh noise. Whooosh!
George Motors sat behind a trustworthy desk, and he was also trustworthy. He smiled at them. Smile! He then assuaged their fears. “I will never kill you and only want to help you. Ford is evil. Henry Ford was really bad to Jesus by hiding secrets in his Model T Fords, which he invented on October 7th, 1908.”
Lipton smiled gently. “It was actually October 8th.”
George Motors smiled gently. “Why, I think you’re right. You are a brilliant professor, Professor.” They both smiled gently at the repetition of the word “professor.” Trust! Trust!
“I will help you out in any way I can,” said George Motors. “Just remember that you can trust me.”
Lipton smiled gently. “Can you tell me about the secrets about Jesus that Henry Ford hid?”
George Motors frowned gently. “So you haven’t heard … about Jesus’ secret?”
Thump! Thump! Thump!
C H A P T E R 8
| G |
eorge Motors looked at Lipton and girl with a serious look. “Henry Ford spent his whole life trying to hide a secret one of his workers uncovered on an assembly line.”
Lipton gasped. Gasp! “Was the worker any relation to Davey Thompson, who died grotesquely in a murder yesterday?”
George Motors gasped. Gasp! “Why, it was his Son! How terrible.” He then proceeded on to his story, “So Brad Thompson found a mysterious diary, which Jesus himself is rumored to have written. And Henry Ford killed him.”
Lipton gasped! Gasp! “Where is the diary?”
George Motors gasped. Gasp! “It must be at the plant where both Thompsons were murdered.”
Girl gasped. Gasp! “What are we waiting for?”
They ran to the plant, but there was a shadowy figure running at them. Clomp! Clomp! Were they to die?
C H A P T E R 9
| T |
hey didn’t die. They ran away through the streets of Detroit past many landmarks.
Lipton remarked about a huge, intimidating structure, “Why, that’s Ford Field, the home of the Detroit Lions. Maybe it is named after Henry Ford. Let’s go!”
Run! Run! They ran! George Motors screamed. Blast! Blast! He died a gruesome, terrible death.
Lipton remarked about George Motors dying, “I liked him and found him trustworthy. I wish that he didn’t die in such a ghastly way by that shadowy figure. But we must run all the quicker or we will also reach our untimely demise. But can a demise ever be timely?” Lipton and girl both chuckled at that last remark. Chuckle! Chuckle! They were bonding through this great adventure. Bond! Bond!
Lipton remarked when they got to Ford Field, “Hey, Davey Thompson was pointing to the fifty-yard line when he died! Let’s dig it up!”
Dig! Dig! There was a … body! Jesus’ body holding a diary! Jesus! Jesus! Diary! Holding! Read! Lipton read! It’s in a code! Lipton read code because he symbologist!
“My God!” Lipton and girl chuckle because God is right in front of them. Chuckle! “This is written in a code, but I think I can decode the code and break the code to find out secrets from the code!” Lipton went on, “See he is writing in numbers and each number means a letter. See: for example, 1 means A and 2 means B.”
Girl exclaims: “You are very smart at symbols! What does it say?”
Hezekiah Ford steps out from the shadows holding a gun. “It says: You are going to die!”
Thump! Thump! Were Lipton and girl to die?
C H A P T E R 10
| T |
hey didn’t die. Ford shot George Motors in the head and his head fell off and it was gruesome and brains were everywhere.
Lipton gasped. Gasp! “I thought he was dead!”
Ford chuckled. Chuckle! “No. He was the shadowy figure all along.”
Lipton chuckled. Chuckle! “And I thought you were untrustworthy this whole time. That is ironic.”
Ford looked at Lipton and smiled. Smile! “You see, I’ve always wanted my Grandfather’s secret to be unearthed, but I just didn’t know where it was buried. Now we can tell the world.”
“It’s actually your Great-Grandfather, silly.” They both chuckled at this joke. Chuckle!
“So, what’s the secret?” asked Ford.
“Well, judging by the symbols and the code I cracked, it looks like Jesus was not white at all!”
Gasp! Gasp! Gasp!
“Do you realize the implications?” Said Ford, “This will change everything. The controversy!”
The girl started crying. Cry! “But does that mean he’s still Jesus?”
Lipton chuckled. Chuckle! “No.” Girl cries even more.
“We must tell the world, so they can stop praying to this false idol.”
A helicopter landed on the field. And shadowy figures ran out. The Vatican was emblazoned on the side of the copter.
“We must take back the body, as well as the diary you so ingeniously cracked! Or you will die!”
They didn’t die because Harvard’s helicopters shot missiles at the Vatican’s helicopters.
Explosion!
Unfortunately, the girl met her untimely, and ultimately gruesome, demise in the epic fireball.
“You did it, Lipton,” said Harvard, “You have solved another controversial mystery. Please come back.”
“Yes, please come back,” said an attractive, slender woman in her twenties.
Lipton chuckled. Chuckle! “O.K.” Thump!
Mona Beasa (La Zbornak)
Selected masterworks from The Golden Girls Exhibit, arriving at New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art this September.
Mona Beasa (La Zbornak)
Leonardo Da Vinci, c. 1503
oil on paper
Title: The Da Vinci Code
Author: Dan Brown
Logline: It’s The Name of the Rose meets Thomas Crown Affair meets Scooby-Doo!
Synopsis:
The book is just stupid popular, so consider the opening weekend to gross 80 mil, easy. And it’s a book destined for motion-picture adaptation if ever there was one. It reads tight and fast-paced, loaded with thrills, chases, and riddles at every turn. There’s highbrow art-history lessons in there, secret societies, and also some sexy European locales. The plot goes like this: Robert Langdon is this art professor dude who meets some hot French cryptologist chick named Sophie, and they run around solving Riddler-style riddles. Some wicked Christians are after them, too, and I think it’s got something to do with Jesus and da Vinci. Whatever, it’s practically a movie already. Get a load of this movie-ready dialogue:
SOPHIEAnagrams? I’d never have guessed it!LANGDONYou’re the worst cryptographer ever!SOPHIEI know! It’s like I’m retarded!
How about that? It sounds like genuine real-people-speaking dialogue, not fakey-phoney movie-people dialogue. The screenwriter who adapts this has got his work cut out for him. All he’s got to do is stick a couple of hard returns in there, and bingo! Oscar gold. Take this scene, where Sophie and Langdon are stymied by a missing ten-digit PIN to her late grandfather’s secret Swiss account:
SOPHIECurses! So close! But alas, we’re stymied by the missing ten-digit PIN to my grandfather’s secret Swiss account …LANGDONIt’s no use. We’ll never guess it. There’s ten zillion possible combinations. If only he left us a clue …
SOPHIEOh, Grandpa! Why couldn’t you leave us a clue?LANGDONHmm … ten-digit number … ten-digit number …SOPHIEYou don’t think—LANGDONOf course!LANGDON & SOPHIEThe ten-digit number he wrote on his chest before he died six hours ago!
(together)SOPHIEI’m so stupid!LANGDONAbsolutely fucking brain-dead!
Hell, if that’s not psychologically taut, suspense-building tension with a foreshadowing, character-expository big reveal, I don’t know what is. And then, as if this movie wasn’t already a certified blockbuster, the story really pays off with a super big twist Hollywood whammo ending. Right here, this is the money shot, where Langdon’s trusted ally Sir Teabing reveals his sinister plans:
TEABINGMmmmyes, ’tis I, the nefarious Sir Teabing! I’m the secret villain! You didn’t see that coming because it’s the oldest cliché in the book, my dear boy! Now, I’ll point this gun at you and force you to help me, despite the fact that you’ve enthusiastically helped me all along! Bwaaaaahahahaha!! How dastardly of me!
Goddamn it, if we don’t make this movie, we should just kill ourselves. Perfect starring vehicle for Kevin Costner and Julia Roberts. Plus, maybe Leonardo Di Caprio as Leonardo da Vinci? Maybe Jamie Lee Curtis would be interested in a cameo as the Mona Lisa, because of that man/woman thing.
Recommendation: Definitely consider.
Republishing some of Y.P.R.’s most cryptic and sacrilegious conspiracies.
The Da Vinci Bandwagon
Now that The Da Vinci Code has become both a literary and cinematic success, you’ll soon be seeing other conspiracy-laden historical epics lining bookstore shelves and spinning through theatre projectors. Here’s a sampling of the latest projects in development.
The Rockwell Code
When a famed paleontologist carbon-dates the paintings of Norman Rockwell in a drunken stupor, he discovers that the American master’s works date back beyond the times of Christ and Moses put together. Rockwell’s take on Santa Claus is actually a depiction of Sumerian king Gilgamesh, who apparently had a thing for red suits and Coca-Cola bottles. Soon the paleontologist is being pursued by rabid art scholars, the Cult of Gilgamesh, and a legion of disillusioned children.
The Area Code
Remember Max Cohen, hero of the movie Pi? He’s learned that searching for numerological patterns in the Torah and/or stock market will only get you killed. In this ball-busting sequel, Max sets his sights on an even denser tome: the New York phone book. Making the startling discovery that each phone number begins with the digits 555, Max is riddled with paranoia. Is he trapped in a movie? Is a theatrical audience watching his every waking move? Are their cell phones and pagers turned off? It’s fun for the whole family as Max descends into another round of madness. From the bestselling author of Jersey City Telephone Directory and the Newark Yellow Pages.
The Original Codes of Comedy
Bernie Mac, Cedric the Entertainer, Steve Harvey, and D.L. Hughley get a new manager, a mysterious albino (Dave Chappelle) who believes their ribald gags may reveal the existence of the Richard Pryory of Sion, keepers of jokes so mind-blowing as to incite anarchy. The albino insists they start telling more innocuous jokes about airplanes and pool cleaners. The comedians become suspicious, and thus begins a dizzy thrill-ride of intrigue, leading to a “your mama’s the bigger ho” showdown at Blacula’s Castle.
National Lampoon’s Da Vinci Keg
Floyd Brotstein may only be an Ohio State freshman, but those football jocks have already given him four years worth of wedgies during frosh week alone. University is like high school all over again: any hope of a girlfriend is lost, until Floyd accidentally wanders into the Computation Cult, that most ancient of secret societies. Its members are sworn to guard the Da Vinci chalice with their very lives and/or pocket protectors. Drinking from this goblet will render the most socially inept more desirable than an elephant in heat. Prepare for two hours of booze, breasts, and belching! Inspired by historical events.
The Morse Code
Director Mel Gibson’s decision to shoot 90 minutes of actors speaking in high-pitched dots and dashes was praised for its authenticity, but many felt the film dragged. Cultivated a small TV audience erroneously believing this to be the lost episode of Inspector Morse.
The Comics Code
Fredric Wertham is a good, clean, wholesome psychologist who soon learns of a shocking conspiracy: the authors and illustrators of comic books are rotting the minds of children across the nation and turning them into criminals. Batman and Robin are gay! Wonder Woman is an S&M freak! Superman is Jewish! Frederic needs to protect America’s children, and fast. A Senate subcommittee hearing led by the good, clean, wholesome senator Estes Kefauver brings these perverted supervillains to justice, and an authoritative body is established to keep comics clean.
The Da Vinci Load
Educational film examining human reproductive activities in minute detail. Notable for its sublime musical score and crowd-pleasing “money shot.”
The Dante Code
An ordinary librarian (Colin Hanks) discovers that he is the descendant of Dante and thus in line to inherit his ancestor’s 700-year-old locked trunk. The combination is made up of the coördinates of the Bermuda Triangle. Inside, he finds a fourth canto of The Divine Comedy in which Virgil takes Dante to the lost city of Atlantis. Accidentally dripping holy water on the pages reveals a map. After stealing a recently unearthed Nazi submarine full of gold, the hero and his girlfriend (Britnee Tautou) travel to Atlantis where they find it destroyed … except for one scrap of paper which turns out to be the missing movement of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony. When played upon Dante’s accordion, which was also in the trunk, the music causes a compartment to open, in which is carved the location of Area 51—Death Valley. Fighting his way through armed guards, the hero breaches Area 51 and discovers the final, terrible secret: it’s where they keep people who have seen the Pope with an erection.
Michael Rottman does not teach children, but can get one for you cheap. His work has appeared in Opium.print, Grain, and The Fiddlehead, and online at Y.P.R., The Morning News, and McSweeney’s.
Donny Most, Happy Days’ Ralph Malph, Leaves Ron Howard a Message on His Voicemail
Hey, Ron. How’s it going? It’s Don. Most. Donny Most from Happy Days. I’m just calling to check in and see how things are going. I had to call Henry Winkler to get your number, because the one that I had for you was out of service. I guess you had some problems with people calling you too much or something. I have the same problem. The ladies just won’t stop calling Don Most.
It’s cool that you didn’t get around to giving me your new number. You probably left me off your e-mail distribution list by accident too. That happens all the time. My second ex-wife does the same thing.
Oh, so, I’m really calling because I had this awesome idea for a movie. I know you’re touring for The Da Vinci Code right now, so you’re probably totally swamped. I’m pretty busy too. I just landed this great role. I’m going to be playing the adult son in a commercial about incontinence for Depends undergarments. It’s a little bit of a stretch since my dad abandoned us when I was a kid, so I don’t know what it’s like to watch the person who raised you retire into his golden years. I’m really researching the role though, getting into the head of the character. I spent some time at a place called Shady Acres last week and really got a feel for what old people do during the day. By the way, when I get to be that age, I’m totally signing up for one of these places. They’ve got shuffleboard, bingo, all kinds of great activities, and they eat THREE TIMES A DAY! God, I can’t remember the last time I had three meals in one day. And it turns out these diapers really work! I don’t even have to waste all of that time going to the can anymore.
Anyway, about this movie. Basically, it’s the story of three best high school buds. They do everything together. They learn about life, play basketball, hang out at a local burger joint for some sodas. There’s a streetwise quasi-hoodlum with a heart of gold that gives them true life advice too. Oh, and it’s set in the year 2134, and robots police the whole place. And it’s up to the three buddies to help overthrow the evil robot state and free mankind from the shackles of android tyranny. The hero of the whole thing is a short, nebbishy redhead with rhyming names, who goes on this killing spree when his buddies are captured in the second act. He also has this steamy love scene with Erin Moran. There’s partial frontal nudity, but it’s tasteful.
So, let me know what you think about the film. I think it’s got good potential. It’s in development already at, um, a major studio, um Sony … aramount. Sonyaramount. Yeah, they’re really an up and coming studio. They’re working with people and we’ve got the inside track to get some really huge names attached. Anyway, I figured I’d call and see if I could get you lined up before you start thinking about next projects. Oh, and also, I’m going to have a little BBQ at my townhouse next week. Nothing huge, just some of the old gang. Anson Williams is busy, so he can’t make it, but Scott Baio said he might come. And in a strange coincidence, Tom Bosley was actually at Shady Acres, so I got his R.S.V.P. while I was there.
That’s it for me. Don Most OUT! That’s how I’m ending calls now, by saying Don Most OUT! I think it works.
Don Most OUT!
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