Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Book Club


HE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY have met again around the site of their infamous last supper. This time they are trying to keep an uneasy peace and discuss another popular and infamous book: The Catcher in the Rye.

TERESA: This book was O.K. and everything but I’m kind of pissed off about something I read on the second page.

CAROLINE: I know what she’s talking about. I do. I know. Because I need to look into things. You know. Things. Especially when they are about my family.

DINA: I thought it was stupid.

TERESA: This thing about his brother. On the second page.

DANIELLE: I didn’t get to the second page.

TERESA: Prostitution whore!

JACQUELINE: Let’s not get into this again.

CAROLINE: I have to protect my family from books like this. It’s right there on the second page.

DINA: What’s on the second page? I didn’t get that far.

Danielle puts the book on the table. Everyone stares at it with dagger eyes. The tension in the room is palpable. Teresa picks up the book and starts flipping the pages.

TERESA: Prostitution whore! Right there on the second page! “Now he’s out in Hollywood, D.B., being a prostitute.”

CAROLINE: I don’t like this. Not one bit. And he doesn’t even seem to like his family, except for his sister. How can that be? Let me tell you something about my family, we’re as tick as teeves. And this kid. There’s something phony about him.

DINA: Yeah. He’s a total phony.

DANIELLE: Let me tell you about Holden Caulfield. Holden Caulfield struggled. He was out there, raising his kids and he did what he had to do. You can’t judge Holden Caulfield. You don’t know Holden Caulfield. But that’s just my opinion. I only read the first page.

JACQUELINE: I thought he represented post-war restlessness, coming back to a world completely changed that no longer makes sense but you are forced find your place in that world, even though there is no place for you. Holden is not an adolescent. He’s the representative man.

CAROLINE: Let me tell you something about the representative man. He’s a brick of beef.

“This book was O.K. and everything but I’m KIND OF PISSED OFF about something I read on the second page.”

DINA: This is stupid.

DANIELLE: Holden was never a prostitute. He was struggling through a life. Yes, he made mistakes. Yes, he was slightly derivative of Huckleberry Finn and yes he spawned countless even more derivative novels, but that’s not the character’s issue. That’s Salinger’s.

JACQUELINE: Did you hear about the lawsuit? The sequel to the book?

DINA: That’s stupid. What are you talking about?

TERESA: Lawyer Whore! Suing everyone! If that lawyer thinks he can come up to the First Amendment and strip a writer’s natural right to build or answer other creative works, he’s got another thing coming.

CAROLINE: Let me tell you something about intellectual property attorneys, they nickel their eaves.

DANIELLE: You don’t understand what it is to be an intellectual property attorney. You have no idea what it’s like to be out there, worrying about copyright and intellectual property. Are people using his work for their own monetary gain? Is it permissible?

DINA: I hear he’s a freak.

JACQUELINE: You are a bunch of liars. Salinger’s a great American writer and his retreat from society is necessary to find both inner peace and respite from the din of the American clamor.

TERESA: Phony Whore! Phony Whore! You think you’re better than Salinger or Holden. You sit here judging him!

Teresa slams her hand on the table and then flips the table over. Chaos ensues.

TERESA: Phony Whore! You think you can come in here and judge Salinger. Fucking anti-intellectual whore. Who are you Harold Bloom? Thinking it’s derivative? Fuck Harold Bloom! Canon making whore!

Next week, the Housewives will be reading The Crying of Lot 49.
Spoiler Alert: Dina’s head literally explodes.

During his first year of school, Jeff Barnosky believed that each of his teachers was Bea Arthur in disguise. Especially Mr. Roberts. He lives in Philadelphia, he dies in Cleveland and he questions the true nature of all existence in Toronto. He’s been published in McSweeney’s, Pindeldyboz, Exquisite Corpse, and the late, much missed Haypenny.

See Y'all in MMX Y.P.R. will return in 2010.
Black Friday Doorbuster Specials at the Dollar Store! Knockoff brand names at F.D.A.–rejected Chinese brand prices!
Tone Lōc’s "Where the Wild Thing Is" Grounded by my mom, sent to bed without dinner / So I float my boat in a sea of funky cold medina.

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