Tuesday, February 23, 2010

James Cameron Writing Avatar Prequel—But Not for the Big Screen
Director plans to write début novel that tells the film’s back stories.”
— MTV.com, February 12, 2010



A crew-cut, muscular GENERAL is talking to an overweight GAMER, who is sitting on the couch in front of his videogame console.

I suppose you’re wondering why we’re recruiting you—an obese, sedentary geek—for this important military mission.

             (picking nose)
Well, yeah, kinda…

Let me put this into a language you’ll understand: This time, WE’RE the space invaders. What we need you to do is to assume Pac-Man form and go into the Atari 2600 system, gather pellets and bring them back to our reality. Call of Duty isn’t just a game or a bowel movement to you anymore. The future of Earth’s economy depends on those pellets!

I don’t know, that sounds like work… Besides, even though it was their bestselling game, Pac-Man for Atari 2600 sucked compared to the arcade version—in fact, it’s suckage contributed to the great videogame crash of ’83.

Thanks for the history lesson, Professor Wikipedia! If you don’t get those pellets, the FUTURE OF THE HUMAN RACE might crash… Plus, you’ll get to use your legs again…

But I have the use of my legs!

You’re not a paraplegic? Damn, you’re lazy! You haven’t moved from your couch in months—we’ve had you under surveillance. By the way, we saw when you peed into that empty Mountain Dew bottle and then accidentally drank from it—that was totally disgusting… Anyway, running around in a maze chasing ghosts will probably do you good—from the looks of it, you could certainly use the exercise…

Wow, I can’t believe my skills as a gamer could actually save the human race! Look who’s the “time-wasting idiot” now, dead mom and dead dad!

Whatever you do, don’t think with the wrong joystick and fall in love with Ms. Pac-Man and the Pac-People’s way of life.

I’ll try, but it’s going to be tough to resist someone who looks exactly like me with the exception of the red bow on her head… Besides, I’ve always been a sucker for yellow chicks.


Matt Sullivan’s work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Playboy, The Onion and on his parents’ fridge.

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