Thursday, February 25, 2010
Kanye Speaks.

O, great Kanye, tell us: What is the solution to our energy crisis?
Kanye speaks: I use my arrogance as steam to power my dreams!

O, great Kanye, tell us: With all the evil in the world, how does one find true happiness?
Kanye speaks: I don’t know what’s better—gettin’ laid or gettin’ paid.

O, great Kanye, tell us: Will there ever be a cure for cancer?
Kanye speaks: My music isn’t just music—it’s medicine.

O great Kanye, tell us: Do you really have the power to heal?
Kanye speaks: The Bible had 20, 30, 40, 50 characters in it. You don’t think I would be one of the characters of today’s modern Bible?

O, great Kanye, absolutely. Your songs are modern parables. There’s one I’m thinking of …
Kanye speaks: “The way Kathy Lee needed Regis / That’s the way y’all need Jesus.”

“The way Kathy Lee needed Regis

O, great Kanye, that’s the one. We are so Kathy Lee, and Regis is so Jesus. Tell us: Which character would you be in today’s modern Bible?
Kanye speaks: I am the new Jim Morrison.

O, great Kanye, I’m confused. Jim Morrison? How so?
Kanye exposes himself.

O, great Kanye. Wow. Despite the odd format you’ve insisted on for this interview, it’s going to be the greatest video on our—
Kanye speaks: I’m really happy for you, I’mma let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time!

O, great Kanye, you’re a national treasure.
Kanye speaks: My misery is your pleasure.

Justin Hook is a writer and comedy booker currently living in Los Angeles. His tastes have not changed since he was eight, though he is a little tired of getting the same ten issues of Zoobooks over and over.

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