Wednesday, March 31, 2010

— Fiction —
Apostles: The Original Entourage

Matt Sullivan

Hug it out, Savior.

TEASER TRAILER

INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT Jane’s Addiction song “Superhero” plays. JESUS and APOSTLE ERIC enter the modest establishment, where Eric approaches the OWNER. APOSTLE ERIC Hi, I’m with Jesus. We’ll need a table for 12… INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT - MINUTES LATER Jesus holds court with the Apostles. JESUS Waiter, could I have another bottle of wine—or water … whatever! Big laughs from the whole table. EXT. MARKETPLACE-DAY Jesus, APOSTLE DRAMA and APOSTLE TURTLE are browsing when a comely MARY MAGDALENE crosses their path. She flirts outrageously with Jesus, who likes what he sees. APOSTLE TURTLE (to Jesus) God damn, Mary Magdalene is a MILK—a Mary I’d like to knoweth! APOSTLE DRAMA I’m not sure about this Mary Magdalene chick, bro. I think she might be a frankincense digger, bro… APOSTLE TURTLE Oh, what do you know—you jerk off so much, you have stigmata! A group of ROMAN SOLDIERS appear on the scene—and they heckle Jesus. SOLDIER Yo, Jesus! I saw a vision of your mother last night—and let me tell you, she’s no Virgin! Apostle Drama goes over to punch the soldier—but Jesus holds him back. JESUS We must turn the other cheek, my brother. APOSTLE DRAMA (muttering, frustrated) Turn the other ass-cheek is more like it … Those Romans are such Messiah-haters! INT. CAVE — DAY APOSTLE ARI is yelling at Jesus. APOSTLE ARI I just got a scroll from Pontus Pilate—he’s calling for your crucifixion! You need to start acting like the King of the Jews—and stop acting like the Queen of the Jews! (holds stomach suddenly) Damn, I shouldn’t have asked you to multiply all of those fish … I think I’ve got mercury poisoning … Lloyd! INT. JAIL — DAY Jesus is behind bars, being visited by Apostles Turtle, Ari, Drama and Eric. JESUS Well, I can’t say I didn’t I didn’t see it coming. Judas. Jew, Dis. He’s a Jew, he sure did dis me. I told him he’d deny me three times before the cock crowed… APOSTLE TURTLE Whoa, whoa—why are we in a jail cell talking about cock? EXT. JAIL — DAY Apostle Eric addresses his fellow Apostles forlornly. APOSTLE ERIC Fellas, if Jesus suffers and dies on the cross for this, we’ll lose everything. APOSTLE DRAMA No, he won’t. If he gets crucified, he’ll come back and be stronger than ever. (yells) Jesus will rise again! A title credit comes up: A P O S T L E S THE END.

Matt Sullivan’s work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Playboy, The Onion and on his parents’ fridge.

— Fiction —

Novels Submitted for Consideration at a Literary Agency

Daniel Friedman

I have no previous writing credits, but my caseworker and my parole officer both read Last Breath and loved it. Please send your offer of representation and the advance from the publisher within seven days. I need the money to get my car out of impound.