Tuesday, March 16, 2010

New litter of 6 chocolate labs for sale. I love them dearly, but a single woman can’t handle them all. They’re good-natured, playful and beautiful beyond belief. Just come see them at 22 Larchmont Drive. Take a left after the Thai restaurant and go up the hill. Larchmont is the first right, and we’re the fourth house on the left. I am a stripper.

* * *

Corgi puppies from award-winning breeders need a new home. Ever since we had dogs, we’ve never been burglarized and our kids haven’t been bullied. We haven’t had any major illnesses, haven’t been slandered in the press, and have avoided car accidents, shark attacks, any major repercussions from colony collapse disorder. We’ve cheated on our taxes without being caught. My job is secure, though I fire people with impunity. All we eat are Funyuns and are in perfect health. The guy down the street bought a cat, and he broke his hip. I’m pretty sure he’s a woman living inside a man’s body, too. 1515 Patcong Ave, behind the Price Chopper.

* * *

Friendly, mixed-breed puppies for sale. 3 months old. In that time, the owner, an experienced trainer, has taught them each the following:

— How to sit, stand, roll over and fetch.
— Basic obedience techniques and the ability to speak on command.
— Narcotics and bomb detection skills.
— Wedding planning.

9 Queensland Blvd, next to the Chuck E. Cheese.

* * *

Irish setter puppies for sale. $5 each. Pick one up and show your love now, because one day in the not-too-distant future, dogs will rule the world and fish will walk among us. Even now, dogs and fish sit on most corporate boards and have a permanent seat on the U.N. Security Council. I have proof. Take a right on 82 and go to the vacant lot across from the diaper factory.

* * *

Beautiful pure-bred puppies for sale. Friendly, loving and opposed to cultural relativism. Puppies understand that identity and cross-cultural understanding are not oppositional forces, and are developing their own meta-language to overcome distortions and make valid connections across all breeds. They will soon be publishing extensively. $27 each. In front of the Hopewell Jct. Grand Union.

* * *

Super-cute puppies 4 sale! I am severely disabled and the puppies think I am food. Please come quickly.

* * *

For sale: puppy. You can’t tell by this photo, but this puppy looks EXACTLY like Denzel Washington. Want to cut in line at BJ’s? No problem, Denzel can make it happen. Need an extra towel at the Y? They’ll give 3 to Denzel! And no more waiting in line at Chili’s, ’cause Denzel don’t wait for no nachos. 34 Nipmuck Drive.

* * *

4 puppies, a bottle of schnapps, me, and a cellphone. In the alley behind Club Eruptions.

Ken Saji is a writer living in New York City with his wife and two kids. He has an M.F.A. from Columbia University and has been published online at McSweeney’s. He doesn’t own pets because he feels their accomplishments will overshadow his.

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