Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Cranky Poems

Live & Learn

Everybody loves kittens.
Kittens are cute.

You know what’s even better?
Kittens are mute.

Not so much the new neighbor
puppy with his shrill little bark.

That shit I couldn’t take.

Then somebody booted
the yipping son of a bitch
aloft in one hell of an arc.

Up, up, up, up, up, up.

It’s not my fault dogs don’t make
soft, easy landings like cats.

But try explaining that
to the crybaby kid next door.

* * *

Straight Talk

Boys your age shouldn’t be
playing with balls all the time.

Sports turn a fellow queer.

Now go on. Get out of here
or else I’ll make you blow me.

I’m not homo, just really lonely!

* * *


That beer is really your favorite?
My piss has more kick to it.

I’m surprised you hadn’t noticed.

What? Where are you going?
You try living on a fixed income!

* * *


Piss & Moan

My underwear today
are older than you, doc.

I’d like to review
your medical school
diploma, if that’s okay.

Some hilarious janitor
fondling my prostate
isn’t my idea of fun.

A plumber maybe,
if he accepted Medicare.

* * *

AARP Avenue

You honk at me to drive faster,
because you’re in a hurry
to get to the mall.

I pretend not to hear.
I don’t even bother to glance
at my rearview mirror.

Don’t be fooled. I know
you’re there. I’m not lost or senile.
I just don’t care.

When you finally pass
illegally quick, I smile and wave,
but what I’m thinking

is how good it would feel
to plant my accelerator foot
up your sorry ass.

it’s swollen
and arthritic.

Consider yourself lucky, too,
I can’t afford another pair
of these diabetic shoes.

The cranky old author of the above poems lives with his middle-aged son’s family in Toledo, Ohio. It was his daughter-in-law who suggested that he take up some kind of hobby like poetry. Actually, the bitch suggested scrapbooking, but those fussy, whispering women at the scrapbooking supply store made him nervous.
Brian Beatty lives with his girlfriend and their dog in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Four and Twenty Excerpts from Marijuana Magazine’s Special Issues / Big Deal! I Sold a Little Weed to Give My Kids a Better Future … / Billy Mays Tries to Sell You Some Weed
Five Underrated Life Moments Discovering the Fallibility of your Parents / Second Base / Hitting Rock Bottom / Codependence / Giving Up Your Dreams
Kapitoil & Trouble Erstwhile Y.P.R. contributor Teddy Wayne publishes a book. A book!

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