Grand Theft Auto IV Tips for the Environmentally Conscious Father

An environmentally conscious father searching for an electronics recycling center.

Whether it’s the rising sea levels, the shrinking rainforests, or the world’s continued reliance on coal energy, the environmentally conscious father has a lot on his mind. So it is to be expected that from time to time he needs to unwind and escape to the virtual world of gratuitously violent and sexist video games. But what’s a gamer dad to do when his wife is out leafleting in front of a biochemical plant (again) and he’s left alone with his young child? Thankfully, he has these cogent tips to follow.

When shaking down the owner of a Laundromat, tell your child that the Laundromat did not maintain proper environmental standards, and that you’re collecting a fine levied against the owner for his negligence.

After a carjacking, inform your child that the person whose car you just stole at gunpoint was the relative of a lumber tycoon, and that sometimes you must take drastic measures to save the spotted owl.

While eating a hamburger from Burger Shot, tell your child that the beef was processed without artificial additives or preservatives by farmers who care deeply about their animals and the environment in which they live.

When Kate refuses to invite you into her house after you’ve taken her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant, say to your child that Daddy is just grumpy because he was hoping to see Kate’s system for recycling.

Whenever Lil’ Jacob makes references to smoking marijuana, explain to your child that Jacob is merely spouting euphemisms for “Going green.”

While assassinating union bosses at the construction site, use the time between each kill to engage your child in a conversation about the importance of healthy environmental conditions at the workplace.

After crashing your car into a streetlight, let your child know that it was in protest against Liberty City’s reluctance to use more sources of renewable energy.

While receiving a lap dance at a strip club, tell your child that the stripper is performing an interpretive dance titled, “Love Cry of the Endangered Polar Bear.” After you pay for a second lap dance, have your child read the latest newsletter from the Sierra Club. During the third lap dance, tell your child to pretend to be a tree—a quiet, still tree.

When Kate refuses to invite you into her house after you’ve taken her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant for the fifth time, say to your child that Daddy is yelling at the TV because he was hoping to see Kate’s collection of reusable Whole Foods bags.

While driving a Hummer, notify your child that it is in fact not a Hummer, but a Prius wearing a Hummer costume.

After deciding to kill Playboy X instead of Dwayne, explain to your child that in the end it came down to Playboy X’s unwillingness to properly break down pizza boxes.

While driving the Trashmaster, distract your child by having her recite the poem she read in school on Earth Day, as you plow into a group of henchman from the Ancelotti Family at the Alderney City Fruit Market.

When Kate refuses to invite you into her house after you’ve taken her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant for the seventeenth time, say to your child that Daddy threw the controller at the wall because he was hoping to see Kate’s state-of-the-art compost tumbler.

After picking up a prostitute, tell your child that you are carpooling and thus decreasing the release of carbon-based emissions into the air. Before paying for the prostitute’s services, tell your child that it’s a beautiful day and they should go outside and play.