Thursday, April 22, 2010

Earth Day

Some Nature Haiku

The Tree
The proud, burly tree
Rests on the now crashed TV
Thanks a lot, nature

Bees dance in the air
Merrily they dart about
I’m stung eighteen times

Bees and the Tree
I tend to my stings
With aloe from the felled tree
But it doesn’t work

The stings are swollen
Causing pain TV can’t ease
As a tree’s on it

All over I bleed
30 Rock should be on now
I wish I were dead

Nature’s Lesson
Life is meaningless
The universe is empty
Do not go outside

Ryan Mazer—Birmingham, Alabama, 5’9”, green eyes, stock build, looking for young soul. Previously, Ryan submitted a similar personal ad to an online literary journal as his bio. Had he known his attempt to be clever would so irritate everyone that it would force him to write actual personal ads as his only hope for companionship, he would have thought twice before sending. But now he sits alone by a rainy window, weeping to the score of Requiem for a Dream. Despair. Anyway, he’s great fun and a load of laughs!

The Effects of Global Warning

— more sirens
— louder sirens
— color-coded warnings applied to ice-cream supply in school cafeterias
— very nervous great-aunts inquiring about your latest blind date
— insomnia
— casual sex
— exaggerated startled response
— dry mouth
— coral death
— forest fires
— burnout
— weight loss
— weight gain
— changing coastlines
— changing hairlines
— oil prices rising due to increasing expense of insuring risks of slipping and falling
— extreme shyness
— calling your ex
— lawyers


Ways in Which Sarah Palin Will Spin Massive Amounts of Snow to Mock Global Warming

  1. Dontcha know it got cold when God heard we were worried ’bout the weather gettin’ warmer!

  2. Hey, Washington insiders! How’s all that climate-changey stuff workin’ out for ya?

  3. I know global warming ain’t real, cos the writing on my hand hasn’t melted yet. Take that, TelePrompTerer elitist scientists!

  4. God hugs some of us closer, but will ya look what he’s done to the liberal East Coast élites lately? Coooold shoulder!

  5. Sweaters are retarded.


Katelyn Sack is a writer, musician, and painter currently residing in Charlottesville. Her art has been displayed in numerous venues, and her writing has appeared or is pending publication in Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Science Creative Quarterly, and Opium Magazine. She would like a book deal, please.

Grand Theft Auto IV Tips for the Environmentally Conscious Father

An environmentally conscious father searching for an electronics recycling center.

Whether it’s the rising sea levels, the shrinking rainforests, or the world’s continued reliance on coal energy, the environmentally conscious father has a lot on his mind. So it is to be expected that from time to time he needs to unwind and escape to the virtual world of gratuitously violent and sexist video games. But what’s a gamer dad to do when his wife is out leafleting in front of a biochemical plant (again) and he’s left alone with his young child? Thankfully, he has these cogent tips to follow.

When shaking down the owner of a Laundromat, tell your child that the Laundromat did not maintain proper environmental standards, and that you’re collecting a fine levied against the owner for his negligence.

After a carjacking, inform your child that the person whose car you just stole at gunpoint was the relative of a lumber tycoon, and that sometimes you must take drastic measures to save the spotted owl.

While eating a hamburger from Burger Shot, tell your child that the beef was processed without artificial additives or preservatives by farmers who care deeply about their animals and the environment in which they live.

When Kate refuses to invite you into her house after you’ve taken her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant, say to your child that Daddy is just grumpy because he was hoping to see Kate’s system for recycling.

Whenever Lil’ Jacob makes references to smoking marijuana, explain to your child that Jacob is merely spouting euphemisms for “Going green.”

While assassinating union bosses at the construction site, use the time between each kill to engage your child in a conversation about the importance of healthy environmental conditions at the workplace.

After crashing your car into a streetlight, let your child know that it was in protest against Liberty City’s reluctance to use more sources of renewable energy.

While receiving a lap dance at a strip club, tell your child that the stripper is performing an interpretive dance titled, “Love Cry of the Endangered Polar Bear.” After you pay for a second lap dance, have your child read the latest newsletter from the Sierra Club. During the third lap dance, tell your child to pretend to be a tree—a quiet, still tree.

When Kate refuses to invite you into her house after you’ve taken her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant for the fifth time, say to your child that Daddy is yelling at the TV because he was hoping to see Kate’s collection of reusable Whole Foods bags.

While driving a Hummer, notify your child that it is in fact not a Hummer, but a Prius wearing a Hummer costume.

After deciding to kill Playboy X instead of Dwayne, explain to your child that in the end it came down to Playboy X’s unwillingness to properly break down pizza boxes.

While driving the Trashmaster, distract your child by having her recite the poem she read in school on Earth Day, as you plow into a group of henchman from the Ancelotti Family at the Alderney City Fruit Market.

When Kate refuses to invite you into her house after you’ve taken her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant for the seventeenth time, say to your child that Daddy threw the controller at the wall because he was hoping to see Kate’s state-of-the-art compost tumbler.

After picking up a prostitute, tell your child that you are carpooling and thus decreasing the release of carbon-based emissions into the air. Before paying for the prostitute’s services, tell your child that it’s a beautiful day and they should go outside and play.

Christopher Monks is holding an ORDER HIS BOOK EXTRAVAGANZA. For more information please visit The Ultimate Game Guide to Your Life’s Web site.

The Effects of Global Warning Color-coded warnings applied to ice-cream supply in school cafeterias
Five Poems by a Cranky Old Man The cranky old author of these poems lives with his middle-aged son’s family in Toledo, Ohio. It was his daughter-in-law who suggested that he take up some kind of hobby like poetry.
Four and Twenty Excerpts from Marijuana Magazine’s Special Issues / Big Deal! I Sold a Little Weed to Give My Kids a Better Future … / Billy Mays Tries to Sell You Some Weed

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