Monday, April 26, 2010

FROM: My apartment
TO: Girlfriend’s apartment

  1. Head north at Broad St. – 1.9 mi
  2. Take ramp onto US-5 N – 4.2 mi
  3. Take exit 3 toward Glenview – .2 mi
  4. Turn left at Lathrop St – 1.6 mi
  5. Arrive at girlfriend’s apartment
  6. Knock on door – 2.8 mins
  7. Realize that breakup is permanent – 3 secs
  8. Knock on door again – 2.1 mins
  9. Head south on Lathrop St – 1.6 mi, or until sound of police siren fades into distance


FROM: Zero
TO: Hero

  1. Head west to Union St. – 2.3 mi
  2. Arrive at Starbucks, on the left
  3. Continue to nearest vacant table – 12 ft
  4. Type Great American Novel on laptop – 6.0 hrs
  5. Leave after not getting past first paragraph
  6. Return to Starbucks with laptop, typing first paragraph over and over again, hoping someone will ask about your writing – 17 wks
  7. Accept that Hero does not exist for you on any known map – 10 secs
  8. Arrive at Depressionville instead


FROM: Rags
TO: Riches

Did you mean: Richmond, VA?


FROM: Weak and scrawny
TO: Strong and fit

1. Head east to Park Blvd – 3.5 mi
2. Arrive at Gold’s Gym, on the right
3. Turn left at front desk – 14.1 ft
4. Continue to weightlifting area – 22.8 ft
5. Discover yourself surrounded by athletic men and women in the kind of shape you have absolutely no chance of ever attaining – 5 mins
6. Head north to the Dunkin’ Donuts on Fenton St. – 1.2 mi


FROM: Then
TO: Now

1. Head nowhere – last 10 yrs or so
2. Continue living in crummy apartment – last 10 yrs or so
3. Continue working at crummy job – last 10 yrs or so
4. Arrive at Now
5. Regret too many years of staying in rut – .5 hrs
6. Head west to refrigerator – 17 ft
7. Drink beer – until passing out


FROM: Disgruntled
TO: Content

Did you mean: Canton, CT?


FROM: My apartment
TO: Girlfriend’s apartment

1. Head north at Broad St. – 1.9 mi
2. Take ramp onto US-5 N – 4.2 mi
3. Take exit 3 toward Glenview – .2 mi
4. Turn left at Lathrop St. – 1.6 mi
5. Park in front of girlfriend’s window – 3.2 hrs
6. Fall asleep – 5.5 hrs
7. Wake up in cop car – 1 sec
8. Continue to police station on Springdale St. – 2.8 mi


FROM: Booking
TO: Freedom

1. Head west from finger printing area – 15 ft
2. Turn left down corridor – 19 ft
3. Knock over any officer in your way
4. Continue toward front door – 26 ft
5. Spasm on floor after being shot with Taser – 34 secs


FROM: Dysfunctional waste of oxygen
TO: Contributing member of society

Did you mean: Contributing Member of Society, NJ?

Ralph Gamelli has been published in MonkeyBicycle, Raging Face, Science Creative Quarterly, and McSweeney’s. He’s the kind of person who, if he hears you utter the word “cashew,” would quickly say “gesundheit” in response and then brush it off as a stupid joke. But secretly he thinks it’s hilarious.

When Are You Going to Publish My Motherfucking Children’s Book? I sent you guys a manuscript almost two fucking weeks ago and haven’t heard dick yet. What gives?
Earth Day Some Nature Haiku / Grand Theft Auto IV Tips for the Environmentally Conscious Father / The Effects of Global Warning / Ways in Which Sarah Palin Will Spin Massive Amounts of Snow to Mock Global Warming
The Effects of Global Warning Color-coded warnings applied to ice-cream supply in school cafeterias

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