Thursday, April 1, 2010

T.S. Eliot’s Opinions of the Other Eleven Months

“April is the cruelest month …”
               —The Waste Land, by T.S. Eliot

April Showers

  1. Ever since January got that art history Ph.D. from Brown he won’t stop coming to parties and going on about Michelangelo. Between you and me—January is the most pretentious month.

  2. February once told me that he had to be cruel to be kind sometimes, so I slept with his wife. I proved a point. He didn’t get it. February is not so quick on the upswing.

  3. March can eat a dick.

  4. It was May that first realized that my name is an anagram for “toilets.” And you know, there’s only so many times a guy can hear a joke before it gets really old. You listening, May? Really fucking old.

  5. I took June to a wedding once. She groped the bride, propositioned the groom, puked in the punch bowl, and fucked everyone up on the Electric Slide. Also I am pretty sure that she wasn’t wearing a bra. If that doesn’t paint a picture for you, then I don’t think anything will.

  6. I’m not going to say that July is a limp-wristed nancy. Or that you don’t want him on your company’s softball team. But his swing is less a bang than a whimper.

  7. You know how some people measure their lives in coffee spoons? August measures his life in missed alimony payments, jimmied locks, hours spent hiding under stairwells, and a lack of forwarding addresses. I’m just saying.

  8. O.K., here is the deal. I don’t want to say anything damning, but when I left the room my wallet was on the table and when I came back it was gone. The only month in the room was September. Take from that what you will.

  9. October? Is that the fat one? From the Midwest? No … it is your sister? My bad.

  10. The next time November tries to hit me up for a loan, I’m going to ask him if he knows what “T.S.” stands for. When he says no, I’ll say, “It stands for Tough Shit.”

  11. December? Don’t even get me started on that bitch.

Douglas Campbell is the product of (a) a long, painful birth, (b) a miserable childhood, (c) a painfully awkward adolescence, (d) an excruciating high school and college record, (e) an underwhelming graduate school experience, (f) a lackluster career, or (g) all of the above. Also, he enjoys cycling.
Julia McCloy is a technical writer living in Memphis, Tennessee, whose work has appeared in and Faultline. She prefers laughing to just about anything.


Hello My Name Is F. Scott Hemingwaze

Possible Noms de Plume I Might Use for My Novel

Fyodor Rudyard Greatwriter

Kameel Leon

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Sir Lazarus Proudbear

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j.j. cummings, jr.

F. Scott Hemingwaze

Deborah Vowel-Commastein

Tony Morrison

Scott Rothman is a screenwriter living in New York City.

M. Twain

The Steamboat Sessions: Early Musings of Samuel Clemens

The difference between the right word and the almost-right word is the difference between the lightning bug and one of them firefly things.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and swallow a skeeter.

The coldest winter I ever spent was the summer I caught pneumonia and fell into the drink.

The human race has only one really effective weapon, and that is laughter induced by hurlin’ cod at shore-folk.

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them—unless he’s some kinda magic witch.

Truth is stranger than the made-up junk.

Mark twain!

Chris Elzinga bides his time in San Francisco as an advertising copywriter. When not hawking wares, he enjoys drinking corn whiskey and punching at ghosts.

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Five Early Working Titles for The Vagina Monologues

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Described as an “up-and-coming humorist” by Esquire, Tyler Stoddard Smith’s works have been featured in: The McSweeney’s Joke Book of Book Jokes, The Best American Fantasy, Esquire, Meridian, Opium, Pindeldyboz, Identity Theory, Yankee Pot Roast, Word Riot, Barrelhouse, Monkeybicycle, Johnny America and McSweeney’s, among others. He is also a regular contributor at The Nervous Breakdown and edits a political satire Web site, In addition, he serves as an associate editor of the online humor site, The Big Jewel. Visit his website at

Great Works of Literature AutoSummarized by Microsoft Office Word 2003 Edition

Great Expectations

man. unconscious Joe. Joe
Joe. “If
man. That, if Joe knew
“Yes, Joe.”
“No, Joe.”
“No, Joe.”
“Yes, Joe.”
time. man.”
“Joe!” hand. “Yes, Joe. “Yes, Joe. it, Joe?”
Joe demanded.
“If you
at Joe’s. time. If
times. time. Little
times? Joe. If the
little. time. time. into Joe. man!”
“Yes, Joe.”
“Living, Joe?”
Joe nodded. “See, Joe! noble Joe!”

Swan’s Way

time. time.
Swann? Swann
Swann never
If, then, Swann
Swann. Swann.
Odette. Odette
Odette. Swann
time. Swann. Mme. Swann!

Notes from the Underground

time. lived. If, for instance, some
man go? gentlemen? “I love thought,
Zverkov. “Simonov! Never mind! time. time. through love. Love! “What if she
understand? Answer!”
If you
time. man.


WHALE, 1839.
Whale. white whale. whaling. whale. whales. sperm whale. whale.”
Whale’s head. Whale’s head.
whale’s head? Whales. whale? whales. whale.


Bloom. Bloom.
Bloom. Bloom.


Michael Zunenshine lives in Montréal. His various jobs include English language teacher and pornography screenwriter. Other material of his can be found at

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Great Works of Literature AutoSummarized by Microsoft Office Word 2003 Edition Great Expectations, Moby-Dick, Ulysses, and more in 90 seconds.

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