T.S. Eliot’s Opinions of the Other Eleven Months
“April is the cruelest month …”
—The Waste Land, by T.S. Eliot
Douglas Campbell is the product of (a) a long, painful birth, (b) a miserable childhood, (c) a painfully awkward adolescence, (d) an excruciating high school and college record, (e) an underwhelming graduate school experience, (f) a lackluster career, or (g) all of the above. Also, he enjoys cycling.
Julia McCloy is a technical writer living in Memphis, Tennessee, whose work has appeared in McSweeneys.net and Faultline. She prefers laughing to just about anything.
Possible Noms de Plume I Might Use for My Novel
Fyodor Rudyard Greatwriter
Arthur “Farty” McPicklepants
Count Basie on a True Story
Sir Lazarus Proudbear
j.j. cummings, jr.
F. Scott Hemingwaze
Scott Rothman is a screenwriter living in New York City.
The Steamboat Sessions: Early Musings of Samuel Clemens
The difference between the right word and the almost-right word is the difference between the lightning bug and one of them firefly things.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and swallow a skeeter.
The coldest winter I ever spent was the summer I caught pneumonia and fell into the drink.
The human race has only one really effective weapon, and that is laughter induced by hurlin’ cod at shore-folk.
The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them—unless he’s some kinda magic witch.
Truth is stranger than the made-up junk.
Chris Elzinga bides his time in San Francisco as an advertising copywriter. When not hawking wares, he enjoys drinking corn whiskey and punching at ghosts.
Five Early Working Titles for The Vagina Monologues
The Skene’s Gland Soliloquies
Described as an “up-and-coming humorist” by Esquire, Tyler Stoddard Smith’s works have been featured in: The McSweeney’s Joke Book of Book Jokes, The Best American Fantasy, Esquire, Meridian, Opium, Pindeldyboz, Identity Theory, Yankee Pot Roast, Word Riot, Barrelhouse, Monkeybicycle, Johnny America and McSweeney’s, among others. He is also a regular contributor at The Nervous Breakdown and edits a political satire Web site, www.demockeracy.com. In addition, he serves as an associate editor of the online humor site, The Big Jewel. Visit his website at http://tylerstoddardsmith.wordpress.com/.