Friday, May 21, 2010

What the hell is going on?

  1. What the hell is going on?

  2. Who the #$*% are you?

  3. Who the #$*% am I?

  4. What?

  5. What?

  6. What?

  7. Didn’t you die?

  8. Why aren’t you dead?

  9. Are you dead?

  10. Am I dead?

  11. Wait—what?

  12. Can’t you talk to dead people?

  13. Oh, you just hear them? He talks to dead people?

  14. Which one of you is yanking my chain?

  15. Polar bear? I didn’t see a polar bear. What the hell are you talking about?

  16. Do we have any toilet paper?

  17. You gained weight?! How could you gain weight? The island’s a gigantic Jenny Craig!

  18. You can write in English, but you can’t speak English? Oh—oh—O.K..

  19. You’re a doctor of—of everything?

  20. The island spoke to you? In moss? Sand? Whispery breezes? Where was I?

  21. It—the island—wants you to—kill?

  22. No, wait—the smoke wants you to kill?

  23. They both want you to kill?! Oh—O.K., now I get it.

  24. Hey, they all killed! Everyone killed! C’mon! Can’t I kill too?!

  25. What season is this?

  26. What timeline are we in, again?

  27. How many siblings do I have on the island?

  28. Could you please stop calling me brother?

  29. Why does my 11-year-old look like he’s 20?

  30. So, I pretty much heal from every wound, except for this big, gaping new one? Bummer.

  31. Why is that dog staring at me?

  32. Am I an Other? An Other-Other? An Another? An Another-Other?

  33. I’m a Tailie? What the #$@*is a Tailie?

  34. If I get arrested for drunk driving, can I still come back next season?

  35. Could somebody please give me a name already?!

  36. There was an all-singing episode? Wait—

  37. Who the hell stole my wheelchair?!

  38. I know how to swim? I don’t know how to swim?

  39. Hey, where do you get a mirror like that?

  40. What’s with the tatt?

  41. Is it O.K. if I take my shirt off again?

  42. Could someone tell me, again, why I like these two A-holes?

  43. He killed hundreds, she burned down her house, and I’m in a mental institution?

  44. Does anyone have any Dramamine?

  45. Is there a bomb named Big Ethel?

  46. You’re at the bottom of a well?! I’m at the bottom of a well! Maybe your well’s near my well?!

  47. You’re pregnant? Oh—oh—nothing—

  48. If I take a pay cut, can you work me into the finale?

  49. What happened to Cheech?

  50. We were never really lost at all, were we?

Alex Bernstein is a freelance writer in New Jersey. More of his work can be found at Prom on Mars.

"Ripped from the Headlines...": Law & Order Signs Off "A Successful Date Ends Badly for Dick Wolf, Creator of TV’s Law & Order" and "Letter to Chris Noth: 'Mr. Big,' 'Detective Logan,' and Owner of N.Y.C.'s Cutting Room"
Things I Have Done for a Klondike Bar What would you do-ooo-oooo for ...?

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