Monday, May 17, 2010

“A Visit from St. Nicholas”
“A Weekend Visit”
by Clement Clarke Moore

’Twas an hour before we left,
When all through the dorm,
The Ladies and Gents were all in rare form,
A girl-down-the-hall’s breasts hang with such care,
She hopes a basketball player soon will be there,
The ugly friends are still ugly despite what their hot friends have said,
“Men, no matter how drunk, don’t hook up with the one in the red.”
A girl shows her thong, a man awkwardly wears his flat-brimmed cap,
Once at the bar they will be the ones trying to rap.


“Where the Sidewalk Ends”
“Where Your Drunk Night Ends”
by Shel Silverstein

There is a place where the sidewalk ends,
And it is just after you fall on your face,
And there you will lie puking with your lips so white,
And there your friends leave you all through the night
And there you will meet the cops and proceed to fight
Then you realize you are naked.


“I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud”
“I Wandered as High as a Cloud”
by William Wordsworth

I wander lonely as a cloud,
That is really, really, really high …
I’m paranoid, is that a crowd?
Is that a cop? or just a guy?
Smoked so much I can barely see,
I call my friend laughing and ask him to get me.


“I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”
“I Know Why the Caged Guy Screams”
by Maya Angelou

The caged guy cries with the most frightening yell,
“Innocent!” he screams from his local jail cell,
Peeing on the street was going fine till he fell,
“If I don’t call my mom she is going to beat me to hell.”
I know why the caged guy screams.


“The Raven”
“The Whore”
by Edgar Allen Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
I walked on past many Bros, Nerds, and Whores,
Then I nodded, nearly booting, all the Bros smoking, rapping,
All the whores’ boobs are flapping,
I still hear the gentle rapping, I run through my dormitory door.
In my room walked the whore. I used pickup lines, desperate to score,
Just a hand job, nothing more.

Patrick Merryman decided at a young age that he did not want to buy, sell, or process anything as a career. He attends Siena College where he majors in English, or what his father likes to call “Bullshit,” and despite the disappointment and overall sadness that he sees in his parents eyes when talking about his writing for CollegeHumor and Yankee Pot Roast, Patrick is pretty sure they are proud of him.

More Pomp & Circumstance

How To
So, You’ve Decided to Become a Drifter The life of a drifter is lonely, hard and trying, but when you’re lying there, sprawled across a bench at the bus station, you can take pride in knowing that you’re helping other people feel better about their choices in life.
Quintus Masters, Apprehensive 19th-Century Whaler, Talks to Teenagers What calamitous folly! Surely the scant rations of fresh water, biscuits, and turtle meat stowed on board are insufficient for sustaining the crew on such a long and treacherous endeavor.
Giant Radioactive Ant … in Love (Excerpt) With the success of Stephenie Meyer’s vampire abstinence parable novels, the Twilight series, publishers are scrambling to move forward with their own monsters-in-love novels.

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