Republishing some Law & Order classics by Gladstone.
A Successful Date Ends Badly for Dick Wolf — Creator of TV’s Law & Order
Dick: Well, I guess this is the end of our date.
Dick: They can dress it up any way the like, but in the end … it’s just raw fish. DICK WOLF!
Date: Oooh! You startled me. How did you make that percussive noise? What was that? A gavel? A door closing?
Dick: Whether a door’s open or closed depends on which side you’re on.
Date: No, I don’t think that’s strictly true. I think that’s more of an inside or out thing.
Dick: It’s like they say: A man would give up anything he has except his pain.
Date: I don’t know what to say when you say things like that. Am I just—
Dick: DICK WOLF!
Date: O.K. Look, Dick. Up until these last two minutes of startling profundity, I was having a nice time. Even though I didn’t learn anything about your personal history or backstory I found you immediately engaging. You kept me guessing and intrigued, but now this. Look, I’m just going to put these last two minutes aside. Would you like to—
Dick: DICK WOLF!
Date: What are you saying? Dick Wolf? Is that a command? Look, I’m going inside and—
Dick: Inside? I’ve spent—
Date: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, that’s where I’ll be. Goodbye, Dick.
Dick: … Dick Wolf?
Letter to Chris Noth: “Mr. Big,” “Detective Logan,” and Owner of N.Y.C.’s Cutting Room
Dear Mr. Noth,
I think I’m a fan because we have so much in common. I’m part Jewish too, but like you, I also have none of the wisdom, passion, or comedic ability so often attributed to our people. And I’m also under six feet, but if I had a bio online, I would totally tell people I was like 6’1” or even 6’4.” I mean, you stand next to elfin Sarah Jessica Parker and smurfy Annabella Sciorra all day. Who’s gonna know? Is that why it’s always Vincent D’Onofrio or you on Law & Order: Criminal Intent, but not both? That D’Onofrio’s one tall dude. Smart.
That reminds me. My girlfriend says there are absolutely no hard feelings. I explained to her that, from behind, you probably thought she was in her 30s or at least mid-twenties, because a 51-year-old dude knowingly hitting on a 23-year-old would just be creepy. But hey, that was a pretty good line, though. About why they call you “Mr. Big.” Have you used that one before?
Well, anyway, just wanted to get that all down. I’m sorry we didn’t have any “chronic” on us. We totally would have loved to take “mad bong hits” with you, but it was late. Yeah, like I said, we pretty much just went straight home after that. There wasn’t like an after-party with killer weed and hot N.Y.U. chicks on Avenue A or anything like that. All right, man. Gotta go, but keep up the good work. And no problem. You can give us our cut of the door the next time we play. We totally understand.