Monday, November 22, 2010


John Madden’s Favorite Thanksgiving Day Feasts from Around the World


Kangaroo (any number)
Wallaby (any number)
1 Cup Lard per Wallaby
1 Tablespoon Salt per Wallaby
2 Onions per Wallaby
1 Red or Green Bell Pepper
2 Tomatoes per Wallaby
2 lbs Chorizo (optional)
Spice to taste: Cilantro, Lime juice, Jalapeños

Cooked right, this dish will taste like good tasting should taste: good! Remember, kangaroos and wallabies both have pouches, so add one to the other. My personal best: 12 wallabies in 13 ’roos. When you make this you’ll need to marinate all the ’roos overnight since their flavor is like the ’76 Bucs when they didn’t win a game: all the fans left right in the middle of the game, and that’ll happen if you forget to the marinade. No fans at all. Pat Summerall likes a green chili sauce and I like Señor Garza’s Fiesta Sauce for the flavor boom! Don’t forget to put one cup of lard in each wallaby pouch. Cook these babies on the grill and you’ll throw a cookin’ touchdown!


1 African Elephant
1 Small Kenyan Hippopotamus (or 2 Pygmy Hippopotami)
1 Medium-sized Rhodesian Giraffe
500 lbs Cayenne
400 lbs Chili Powder
150 lbs Salt
Paprika to taste (about 220 lbs)
120 lbs Brown Sugar

This dish is delicious and leaves a great taste in your mouth, like when Doug Flutie threw that Hail Mary in ’84 against Miami for the win! That was sweet. Now, when you make this, the elephant can go in the hippo or the hippo can go in the elephant. Personally, I think it’s easier to stuff the hippo in the elephant. Remember to remove the hippo’s outer fatty husk. Blend all dry ingredients in a small cement mixer and rub a thin layer over each animal. I like to wrap the giraffe’s neck tight before you put it in the hippo. Tight like the 1970 Pittsburgh Steelers’ defense. They had the Steel Curtain, you know? That curtain wasn’t lacy. Now, you should gently force the hippo into the elephant’s ribcage with a bulldozer. After the hippo’s in the elephant, use that dozer to dig a huge pit. Get some rebar and make a scaffold. Cook this baby to a char all around with flamethrowers—or as I say: all-da-way-around touchdown!


1 Common Chimpanzee
1 Average Human (120-140 lbs)
5 Bottles White Cooking Wine
15 Cups Flour
2 Cups Herbs de Provence
1 Cup Rosemary
2 Sticks Butter
4 Heads Garlic

This meal is as dangerous as it is sweet—like a flubbed field goal that doinked in! But let’s get serious for a minute, folks, because cooking people isn’t easy; even a day-old person will give your meal a gamey taste and overpower the chimp’s delicate character. You see, the chimp’s flavor is like John Elway’s arm, it’s got the character to last sixteen years in the N.F.L. and win you two late-career Super Bowls. Black-market corpses are all over the place in quality, so it’s best to murder someone with your own bare hands. Hey, it’s what I do. And if I do it, you know it should be done. Don’t worry about whapping the person to death since humans aren’t like bananas—bruises only make ’em better! Mix the wine, flour, butter, and spices into a smooth sauce. Using this sauce, braise the Humanzee under moderate heat—about 5 hours at 325°F. A Humanzee cooked right will remind you of ribs at a tailgate. Don’t forget about the marrow either. Hey, I’ve eaten a lot of humans, and the experience is always like getting a first down, which give you a whole new set downs to go down the field and get a touchdown!

Kyle Davis is from Austin, Texas, and is a quintuple threat, though none of those threats involve singing, dancing, acting, or working in any way. While he’s not doing any of these he enjoys talking to people and judging them. Also, he’s going to name-drop you at this huge party tonight; it better get him somewhere.

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