Monday, September 19, 2011

Your Subscription to Netflix Has Been Canceled


his e-mail will serve to inform you that your subscription to Netflix has been canceled. We found out what you did, and we think it’s disgusting.

This e-mail will also serve as notice that you are no longer a member of the Y.M.C.A. The Y is a community organization and has served families in this area for more than a hundred years, while encouraging healthy lifestyles and active citizenship for all. Naturally, we don’t want someone like you hanging around.

Additionally, the state D.O.T. is revoking your driver’s license. In the event of your death, you will not be allowed to donate your organs. No one wants them anymore.

The session of jury duty you served last year has been stricken from the record and the case on which you served will be retried. Had we known then what we know now, you would not have been called.

While your health insurance cannot be stripped from you, even under these circumstances, your provider has created a plan designed specifically for you that will not cover any expenses but will deduct a significantly higher amount from your paycheck every two weeks. It’s better than you deserve.

On second thought, you’re fired.

Not to mention: Your dry cleaning has been incinerated, the remaining value of your gift cards and gift certificates has been electronically deleted, your contributions to various charities will be returned, your electricity will be shut off in three days, no one will compliment your appearance, all your jokes will fall flat, someone will vandalize the front door of your apartment, and you will forget how to whistle.

Also, your mother has disowned you.

Finally, this e-mail will be your last e-mail. People like you should not be allowed to communicate on the Internet. You’ll just make things worse than they already are.

We just thought you should know.


Lucas Klauss hails from Georgia and lives in Brooklyn. He reads books with names like Lacrosse Firestorm for a living. His work can be found at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Apiary, and

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