Thursday, December ,

Serfitt & Cloye

The supra-extraordinary gift items below are excerpted from The Serfitt & Cloye Gift Catalog: Just Enough of Too Much. For those downtrodden demographics unfamiliar with this renowned über-upper-class LuxuRetailer®, a bit of background:

For 100 years now, Serfitt & Cloye’s annual holiday “wish book” has made available to the world’s economic aristocracy the most astonishing goods the mind of man can conceive and the hand of man produce. Through these splendorous catalogs, patrician, oil sheikh, tech baron, and controlled-substance kingpin alike has pleasured himself with gifts of grandeur and sophistication, of refinement and rarity, of decadence and abandon. Shipping not included.

This, then, is the world of Serfitt & Cloye. Where opulence lives in luxury.

Fab Fur Toilet Tissue
What could be more sumptuous, more soothing, more splendidly sensual than the feel of fur? Certainly not pulped and rolled paper products. Now, experience the uniquely tactile tingle of skins on skin whenever you feel the urge. The urge to relieve yourself, that is. With Fab Fur Toilet Tissue, evacuation is merely a prelude to delicious sensation. Decadently absorbent. Almost shamefully cleansing. An absolutely undomesticated pleasure. Each Fab Fur square is center cut from top quality farm-raised pelts, never trims and ends. It’s a return to nature every time nature calls. Choose from classic mink, lustrous sable, luxuriant beaver, or chichi chinchilla. Two-ply (fur on both front and back) double rolls.
Fab Fur Toilet Tissue (box of 48): $350,000.

Cinéma du Jour Grand

Your daughter’s wedding. Your son’s birth. Your own bachelor(ette) party. Do you really want to entrust such precious memories to on-the-fly “home video” or a low-end professional hack with embarrassing production values and no feel for the arc of your exceptional story? Please. Allow Serfitt & Cloye to arrange for your milestone events to be translated to film by the most talented, most respected, most passionate auteurs working today. These visionary artistes will megalomaniacally guide, interpret, and take ownership of your personal story, from pre-pro to post-score. Simply choose a genre—drama, action, comedy, or documentary—then sit back and wait for the magic. Everything—script, locations, color palette, shooting, editing, music rights, you name it—will be professionally carried out in the finest Hollywood tradition. Often on schedule. Ninety days after production wraps, two 35mm prints of the finished film will be delivered to your home screening room. And when you see your picture, whether it’s an Eraserhead-influenced bris or a Raging Bull–esque first T-ball game, we guarantee it will be more absorbing than the actual event. Director reserves the right to cast all nonprincipal roles, has script approval and final cut. No producer credit for purchaser.
Cinéma du Jour Grand: $60 million.

Perpetual Puppy
Christmas morning. Bright and early. Your doorbell rings. It’s FedEx, delivering to you the cutest, bounciest, heart-stealingest 8-week-old pedigreed puppy you’ve ever seen. Of course, puppy loves to cuddle and frolic. Like any puppy. But unlike “any puppy,” yours will never grow into a big, disappointing, troublesome lump of a dog. That’s because the very next morning—and every morning throughout your contract period—a new, 8-week-old cloned duplicate puppy will be delivered to your door, and your “old,” already-less-cute, 8-week-and-1-day-old puppy will be whisked covertly away. The transition is seamless. Painless. And your pup never grows up. Show-quality bloodlines. Available in golden retriever, King Charles spaniel, Lhasa Apso, and four sizes of poodle.
Perpetual Puppy (6-month contract): $599,000; Perpetual Puppy (1-year contract): $999,000; Perpetual Puppy (5-year contract): $4.5 million.

Frank Gehry Recreational Vehicle
Road trips are transformed into poststructuralist sojourns in überarchitect Frank Gehry’s stunning interpretation of the RV. This astonishing motor home is Gehry’s first foray into private wheeled-dwelling architecture, and he has, naturally, produced a true tour(ing vehicle) de force. With every oblique surface, every idiosyncratic angle, every nihilistic nuance a statement as well as an illumination. Clad in a brushed nickel skin, the exterior’s eccentric appurtenances and akimbo angularity defy all expectations. Inside, the irregular room shapes and metacontemporary multitiered floor plan demonstrate the aesthetics of spatial disorientation. The vehicle’s unconventional-yet-apposite appointments include a climbing wall, sushi bar, cutting garden, and full basement.
Frank Gehry Recreational Vehicle: $15 million. (Vehicle not designed to fit under conventional overpasses; roll-over may occur on turns of fewer than 120° at speeds in excess of 25 miles per hour; sushi chef and fresh fish not included.)

Texas Tableware
Many an impassioned and cogent argument has been made in support of capital punishment over the years, but none is quite so eloquent, so beautiful, so practical as Texas Tableware by Wedgwood. This exquisitely crafted fine bone china is a limited-edition 140-piece service for 20 (plus serving pieces) made from the bone ash of all 400 prisoners executed by the Texas Department of Criminal Justice since that state resumed the death penalty in 1982. The felonious bones—sold to us by the state as valuable assets of the deceased evildoers, with all proceeds being equally distributed to their victims’ funds—were calcined at temperatures in excess of 1,000° Celsius, giving the executed even more of what they surely deserved. The ash was then mixed with china clay, shaped, and kiln-fired at a soul-purifying 1,250° Celsius. The china’s pattern—a platinum chain girding the edges, a gold and platinum avenging angel in the center—is applied by hand, as is the final glaze. The finished pieces radiate a delicate luminosity that belies the hard, dark men that went into them. Ladies and gentlemen, dinner and justice are served.
Texas Tableware: $5.75 million.

For nosher and gourmand alike, the Apple iLozenge puts up to 10,000 of your favorite flavors at your taste bud tips. This fully functional post-beta, preproduction prototype is a product of bleeding-edge nanotechnology, a Life Saver–sized 4-terabyte device that allows the user to download delicious, spot-on flavors v

Bob Woodiwiss is a humor columnist for CityBeat, an alternative newsweekly, and is a regular contributor to The Morning News and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. His book, Keys to Uncomfortable Living: An Indulgence of My Peculiarities, an Indictment of Yours, is a collection of humorous and satirical essays.

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