Nick's Guff Archives
Wedding Weekend ... Sha La La La
I realize that you come to Yankee Pot Roast not to hear about our daily lives, which involve day jobs and other such nonsense. Instead you seek us out, or stumble across us, to get a daily dose of humor... 
Aileen Gallagher Up in the Guff Spot
[Editor's Note: This installment of Guff is brought to you by the lovely and talented former Black Table editor, Aileen Gallagher.]
It only takes a sentence to get out of babysitting for life.
Two acquaintances of mine are recent fathers. One joined the club about a month ago and another a few years ago. Both of these men are writers and I see them around at parties and readings and bars.
It was after a reading that I repelled them. I’ll allow for the fact that I’d been drinking for a while and otherwise might have kept this observation to myself. But I was right, as you’ll see.
Continue reading... here.
It only takes a sentence to get out of babysitting for life.
Two acquaintances of mine are recent fathers. One joined the club about a month ago and another a few years ago. Both of these men are writers and I see them around at parties and readings and bars.
It was after a reading that I repelled them. I’ll allow for the fact that I’d been drinking for a while and otherwise might have kept this observation to myself. But I was right, as you’ll see.
Continue reading... here.
A Knick Fan Laments
Mid afternoon on Wednesday, February 22nd, Isiah Thomas ruined my entire week. The damage he inflicted went on to ruin the remainder of the NBA season and lingers with me into the Knick-less playoffs. In fact, a reasonable prognosis is that Isiah ruined the next 3-4 years of my life as a fan of the New York Knicks. He needs to be stopped.
Continue Reading.... here.
Vampires Suck on Broadway. Truly.
Guest poster Jeff DF reviews the play Lestat: "A steaming pile of horseshit."
Unintentionally Bitch Slapped into Reality by Big Head Caps
Since the article titled “My Huge Head” first appeared on YankeePotRoast.org back in April of 2003, I’ve gotten a handful of emails regarding it. There was the one from a man named Cleveland who shared my plight and wanted...
I Almost Googled My Life Away
When I type "Google" into Google, I get back 817,000,000 results in just 0.11 seconds. You know what that is? That’s fucking fast.
Funniest E-Mail of the Century
Bahahahaha! Oh man, it hurts. This was a real doozy. I subscribe to some advertising and media industry newsletters and one just came in today that had a poll asking which show would be the season’s biggest hit. Among the...
Advertise Here
AdAge had an article just the other day talking about how major advertisers can't control the online space like they'd want. They're busy wrestling with the hard-to-control content. Ohhhhh, aren't they strong. Actually, they are. If they can force a...
Aussie Love
In my office building the other day, I looked up at the you-have-no-option-but-to-stare-mindlessly-at-me-news clips screen in the elevator and felt exceedingly empty. No, it's not because I'm Australian. I felt empty for Captivision, the editor/information-gathering Oompa Loompas who feed Captivision...
Hot Times, Summer in My Pants
The last time I checked in here was a long time ago. There are a few reasons for that. Number one being I'm arguably the laziest man alive. I spent many years of half-assed writing to arrive at a point...
What's Goin' Down in the Boogie
It seems that every time I tell someone I live in the Bronx, they crinkle their brow and make sad puppy dog noises. Let me just grab my little Marcus Dairy milk crate over here and prop myself up, O.K.,...
Something Nice for Memorial Day, sans Cheap Laughs
As a child, Memorial Day never held much meaning for me. I simply remembered it as a day when my father would wake at the crack of dawn and head down to the garage to dig through the mounds of...
Truce with Hip-Hop
Let's call a truce. Seriously. I'll start this feel-good session. On behalf of everyone who has abused the fashizzle kanizzle rapunzeldizzle-esque lingua franca, I apologize. The abuse has become excessive and chaotic in its reach and addictive qualities. I felt...
Nick v. The Donald
First off, I've been wanting to be an Apprentice for so long, I can feel my cheeks between my teeth. Where I come from, that means I'm jonesing to be an Apprentice, bad. I've always considered Donald Trump a not-so-close...
[Nick Owes Geoff $5]
I for one am a huge admirer of Sir Geoff Wolinetz and his masterful thoughts on the physical world. The manner in which he communicates his anguish is sweetness of the highest order. Geoff, please allow me to share a...
Dear Hip-Hop
Dear Hip-Hop, I used to love you but now I hate you. It's not just the rise to fame of 50 Cent either. His name just sounds stupid, 50 Cent, not 50 cents. But I know how peculiar he is...
Purple Pants
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, I have to warn you. With bed-head aloft, I dug through my pile of clean, unfolded laundry to find a pair of pants. Now I know I don't...
Springtime in the Ghetto
As the days warm and genitalia hangs lower My allergies act up as the pollen-riddled days go slower. I feel accomplished looking in my tissue after acting the nose-blower. Can you hear the bells of the ice cream truck? I...
XL
Essentially, I get paid to play with digital blocks and build castles out of numbers, sorted and formatted and lumped into columns. I’m a wizard of digital carpentry. People, who I vaguely like, hand me numbers in the morning and...
Hasselhoff: A Retrospective
As David Hasslehoff and his wife, Pamela Bach, recover from their injuries incurred when, according to police reports, a strong gust of wind blew them off their motorcycle on February 25th, 2003, I would like to share my fondest Hasselhoff...
E-mail to G-d
From: Nick Jezarian [mailto:nick@yankeepotroast.org] To: god@ Cc: peter@, paul@, jesus@, mary@ Subject: Some questions Date: Monday, March 03, 2003 1:01:19 PM Dear G-d, Before I get fully immersed in the purpose of this letter, I'd like to start by saying...
guff (guf), n. Slang.
1. empty talk; nonsense.
2. back talk; lip.
nick (nik), n.
1. a place where a small bit has been cut or broken out; notch; groove.
2. Priniting. a notch in the shank of a type, that serves as a guide to the identification of a font or the placing of the types.
3. the precise moment or time of some occurence.
4. British Slang. a jail; prison.
5. Australian. condition; shape.
6. Obsolete. the exact point aimed at; mark.
in the nick of time, just at the right moment.
--v.t.,
1. to make a nick or nicks in; notch or chip.
2. to cut into or through.
3. to hit, guess, catch, etc., exactly.
4. a. to make an incision at the root of (a horse's tail) to cause him/her to hold it higher.
4. b. to cut (a horse) at the root of the tail.
5. to record or score
6. Slang. to cheat; defraud.
7. Slang. to capture, especially by surprise; nab.
[origin uncertain]
Nick (nik), n. Usually, Old Nick. the Devil.
[probably short for Nicholas. Compare German Nickel goblin.]
[Courtesy
Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary,
Tenth Edition. ]
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